Scribe Report by Robbing Bastard
Who was responsible for describing this as ‘The Magnificent Seven Run’? Probably one of the three usual suspects. MENTAL DISORDER? (Unlikely – lack of imagination.) WANK-KING’S WANKER? (Remotely possible due to his forlorn hope to make the website a work of intellectual integrity.) SIR FREE WILLY? (My best guess as the title is devoid of all veracity.)
This observation leads me to comment that SIR FW assured me that all necessary tools for the Scribe’s job were provided by the Hash. There was a pen but of such poor quality, frequently lacking a flow of ink, I spent most of my time trying to get to get it to write and consequently missed much of what was happening. The many inadequacies of this report therefore lie at the door of that bad man.
Back to the run description. I could see no relationship between the ‘The Magnificent Seven’ and the run however there was so much to link the occasion with William Shakespeare’s play of deceit and deception and confused sexuality that I am amazed it wasn’t entitled ‘The Twelfth Night Run’ and will explain why in this report, which has been written in the hope it will appeal to our more intellectual hashers such as the Aussies.
First and foremost this was the last run before Christmas Day. I turned up in the fervent hope that EMPEROR AIRHEAD would once again use his influence to get some of Santa’s Elves to appear on the Hash. To use FLYING FINN’s favourite expression ‘that man is amazing’. His exploits with the very attractive elves alone earn his place in the annals of hashing history. I was to be bitterly disappointed. PH3 this year have deferred the Christmas Run to Boxing Day. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened had today’s run been given a suitably seasonal title like ‘Twelfth Night Run’. (Deceit & deception #1).
However I must otherwise give the Hares full credit for staying true to the Twelfth Night theme as deceit, deception and transgender sexuality was brilliantly maintained throughout the evening in a manner that even William S would have envied. For over 450 years Shakespeare’s Viola has been something of an icon in the cross dressing world but WINDOW WANKER outshone her in every respect. His change of sexuality was convincing, brilliantly done and supported by his fellow Hares and the evening’s RAs. (Deceit & deception #2)
Completely unrelated to his sexuality, until today I had a good opinion of WINDOW WANKER as we had worked closely together on a recent run after realizing we were completely lost and a good ten miles off trail. Ever since I once got lost on a run with THE WIZARD I have been aware that one must bow to the inevitable and look for transport on such occasions. I passed on THE WIZARD ’s advice but WINDOW WANKER took some convincing to get into a taxi as he clearly felt that to be bad form. Today, he assured me, I need not fear getting lost again as the paper was good. All of a sudden I was solely responsible for the time we both got lost! Not the comment of an honourable man. (Deceit & deception 3#).
Our esteemed GM NO MORE CUM in anticipation of a magnificent (long?) run quickly handed us over to the Hares when we were advised that that the run was 7K and the walk considerably shorter. It was pleasing to hear that they were using back checks and that the paper should be easy to follow, which it was.
The start of the run was quite clever as it provided the opportunity for the astute hasher to shortcut on call. I observed GASBAG doing just that in the very first minutes. Normally I would make no mention of this were it not for GASBAG’s assumption both in voice and his scribe that I only got in front of him through cheating! (Definitely deceit and deception #4, GASBAG)
As usual I was hashing well towards the back of the field. There was ample evidence of back checks correctly broken but all were well solved long before we got there. So I can tell you nothing about the front runners. It was most pleasing to see so many slower achievers also doing the full run course. Many of these proved to be Asian ladies and included TWO TIME and LOST CAUSE. Of the men I claim credit for CHICKEN DUNDEE and WHORE IN THE WINDOW completing the course. They were so busy talking about brewing beer they were continually wandering off trail.
Fairly new to hashing but one I hope we will see again was Sorphorn from Cambodia. Showing her partner, TOSSA, how to do it by example she was still running strongly towards the end despite the difficulty of sand and recently ploughed fields. She has the makings of a fine harriet. Some know that I think Asian ladies should be given names that are appropriate but not vulgar instead of choosing insipid names for themselves. Here are a couple of possibilities following on from the Twelfth Night theme. Thinking of her performance today and Malvolio’s lines “Some are born great, some achieve greatness….” Sorphorn could be named MALVOLIO or better still GARTERED STOCKINGS. Face the challenge and suggest even better names for her to the GM. Note I’ve deliberately avoided play on the word TOSSA.
Although it fits into my theme of deceit and not magnificent, I must admit when at three and a half K and I was feeling somewhat dubious about the second half of our 7k run I was not at all displeased to spot the A-Site! A short run and if my mathematics is correct with seven Hares that was an average contribution of just 500m per hare in terms of distance! (Very definitely deceit and deception #5.) Importantly it was enjoyable and well papered so no I didn’t get lost. A good run Hares.
Early on in the second circle winners in the Raffle included LADY SNAKE, CASPAR, LIBERACE, BOW TIE and SQUEEZE MY NUTS.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD then drew our attention to (Deceit #6) the claim that there were 5 virgin Hares today. It seems that one of them ANTIQUE was around long, long ago in the days when Joe Otter hashed. Apparently ANTIQUE in true Hash fashion had once smuggled dangerous fireworks into the country and made the mistake of entrusting them to fellow hashers. A dreadful disaster around the hash fire was only narrowly avoided. Just as well he has become a little quieter a little in his old age.
Twelfth Night is a reminder that Christmas is a time for feasting and drinking “Dost thou think because thou art virtuous there shall be no more cakes and ale?” BAHT BUS GESTAPO was good naturedly iced for not being virtuous and smuggling in his family disguised (Deceit # 7) as farm workers. In the absence of VV they had provided beautiful food for the pleasure of all. Well done management and BAHT BUS in particular.
Eventually the new Hash Name of GADDAFI’S BRIDE was selected for oil magnate Francois during which GASBAG was deservedly iced for proffering unwanted advice on how to speed up the process. Later in the evening NO MORE CUM managed to name GOOSEY GOOSEY GOBBLER with little more help from the crowd. Sometimes being an RA is hard!! Virgin Vilai sponsored by her daughter was introduced to the hash. We hope to see her again.
WANK-KING’S WANKER announced the awards – VELCRO DICK 350 Runs since 1997, LADY SNAKE 50 Runs, POCKET SOCKET 5 Hares and MENSTRUAL DISORDER 40 Hares. Well done each and every one of you. During these proceedings CRAPPER was discovered in the bucket but how long he had been there or why no one seemed to know.
The circle was then taken by GM elect, MENTAL DISORDER. He explained that the PH3 was now a respectable family Hash bringing in BALL RINGER and son Ben 10, TESTICLES and daughter, Vilai and daughter Kai among others as examples.
These were followed by the six Aussies and an incomprehensible discussion about something called the AFL which was beyond the understanding of all including CRAPPER who was one of the iced. You will have noted from my earlier remark I am aware of the keen intellect of the average Australian male and respectfully suggest a discussion of Shakespeare would provide a more suitable opportunity for them to shine.
I will not lower the tone further by going into detail about what then became an obsession about the male posterior except to say the discussion was only raised from bottom level (no pun intended) only by GANGREEN’s off the cuff witty reply that quality that could be improved by not being a receiver and the selection of PENELOPE PIT STOP (Deceit and deception #8) as a suitable judge in the event of a ‘beauty’ competition. While MENTAL D brilliantly kept to the Twelfth Night theme of sexual confusion (and what better place than Pattaya?) if the description of family hash is not to be Deceit and deception #9 I most respectfully suggest we drop this discussion for once and for all and demonstrate that some of the PH3 have developed beyond Freud’s anal stage of development.
Whether it was planned or fortuitous it was most welcome and appropriate on our Twelfth Night run to have the LORD CHICKEN FUCKER, Hash’s foremost expert on cross gender sex and Boyz Town back with us again. Joined by SCAR W\2T’S and SEAL SUCKER they declared themselves fully recovered and announced that these days a simple PSA check by a doctor could help. To the amusement of all LORD CF enquired of SCAR if it was appropriate for his girlfriend to have the PSA check but unfortunately the laughter (including SCAR’s) must have drowned out the reply. (Deception #10)
Not one to waste an opportunity and on this night of sexual confusion MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS I’M GAY and IM LAO were brought into the circle presumably to discover more of their relationship but while struggling with the useless pen I completely missed the conclusion but think it would have qualified for deceit and disguise #11.
LORD CF has a soft spot for SPECIAL PRICE and probably for no better reason than that called her in with HELIUM HEAD. In keeping with his custom he got her name wrong calling her HAIRY PUSSY but as always she took this with good grace.
BURL IVES I think would want me to make clear that the disguised virgin hare ANTIQUE is a hasher of pedigree. He was a founder member of the Hong Kong T8 Hash. T8 stands for the highest level typhoon there when the island sounds a warning alarm and all stop work to seek shelter. All that is except T8 runners who by prearrangement would meet after the warning was sounded to go on a run. Who thinks hashers aren’t stupid?
This leads in nicely to the highlight of the evening which for me beyond all doubt was the performance of the hare’s song. ANTIQUE, ably supported by VIOLA (alias WINDOW WANKER possibly fetchingly dressed in drag – I am not sure when he is what) sang ‘My Sister Belinda’ . This most touchingly summed up this Twelfth Night Run. Showing the same good grace as our GM NO MORE CUM when FLYING FINN ruined his gag about being injured I give the Hares top marks despite having to endure a kiss from Belinda.
A large number of us returned post run to Nicky’s for more cakes and ale. Join us next time if you missed it. Before this evening I thought I knew about these things but now I’m a little less certain about who does what, with what and to whom.
On-On! Robbing Bastard
Next week’s scribe is Knob Marley
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners This Week – 96
Hashers Present Last Week – 69
3 Stefan Joist; 2 Mayrin Marroquin; 2 Sorphorn Meas; 138 ANTIQUE; 63 BAHT BUS GESTAPO; 585 BALL RINGER; 368 BELL END; 106 BEN 10; 23 BLACK DIAMOND; 20 BOB-A-GOB; 92 BURL IVES; 49 CASPAR; 93 CRAPPER; 71 DEL BOY; 71 DIRT LOONEY; 1381 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 156 FLYING FINN; 4 GADDAFI’S BRIDE; 277 GANGREEN; 751 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER; 82 GOLDEN RIVET; 11 GOOSEY GOOSEY GOBBLER; 115 HELIUM HEAD; 27 HOI WAN; 47 IM LAO; 70 JINGLE BALLS; 40 KAMOY KATOY; 225 KEE MAH; 191 KILL BENNY; 122 KNOB MARLEY; 681 LADY FLIPPER; 325 LIBERACE; 418 LONE WOLF; 114 LOST CAUSE; 6 LOVELY LADY; 190 MARATHON MAN; 7 MAYO QUEEN; 141 MENSTRUAL DISORDER; 167 MENTAL DISORDER; 90 MISS USE ME; 67 MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS I’M GAY; 169 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 197 NO MORE CUM; 35 PHANTOM; 12 PINK DOLPHIN; 56 POCKET SOCKET; 26 RAT VON KIEL; 242 SCAR W/2TS; 674 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 703 SIR FREE WILLY; 705 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 218 SKIING FINN; 16 SLAP; 99 SLIPPERY ARSE; 15 SMOKEY TRUCKY FUCKY; 120 SPECIAL PRICE; 74 SPERM POLLUTER; 187 STEPTOE; 421 TAMPAX; 42 TELLY TUBBY; 23 THE WIZARD; 208 TOM BOY; 17 TOSSA; 183 TWO TIME; 35 UNSTABLE LOAD; 350 VELCRO DICK; 311 WANK-KING’S WANKER; 13 WHORE IN THE WINDOW; 11 WINDOW WANKER
Returners – 23
2 Darunee Galbraith; 3 Jeremy Normanton; 2 Sakultain Sridech; 15 CHICKEN DUNDEE; 303 DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES; 10 EXCESS BAGGAGE; 616 G.I. JOE; 287 GERMAN SHEPHERD; 7 GING GANG GOOLIES; 19 HARBOR WHORE; 314 KARAMBA; 51 LADY SNAKE; 1074 LORD CHICKEN FUCKER; 729 MRS. HEAD; 113 PAPRIKA SMILEY; 7 PENELOPE PITSTOP; 97 RABBIT SHOOTER; 216 ROBBING BASTARD; 220 SEAL SUCKER; 865 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 425 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 42 SUGAR DADDY; 71 TESTICLES
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 3
20 BOW TIE – Hastings Hash, UK
7 SQUEEZE MY NUTS – Pattaya Jungle Hash, Thailand
10 GASBAG – Puerto Galera Hash, Philippines
Virgins – 1
Leavers – 0
~ none this week ~
Anniversaries – 4
MENSTRUAL DISORDER was congratulated for 40 Hared Runs.
POCKET SOCKET was awarded her 5 Hared Runs Hat.
VELCRO DICK was congratulated for completing his 350th Run.
LADY SNAKE was awarded her 50th Run Hat.
Hash Name Events – 2
Francios Masciola was given the New Hash Name GADDAFI’S BRIDE.
Ragnar Johansen was given the New Hash Name GOOSEY GOOSEY GOBBLER.
Saints and Sinners – 0
~ none this week ~
~ none this week ~