Scribe Report by General Kidney Wiper
As William Shakespeare said, “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.” “What has this to do with the hash?”, you might ask. Well fuck all except that five minutes before the second circle, SIR FREE WILLY thrust the Scribe clipboard into my hands, with the comment, “You get a free run”. He might have elicited a more enthusiastic receptive response if he had said, “It is the cost of a bottle of gin!”.
Have just looked at the notes I made during the proceedings yesterday and as usual, they are a load of undiscernible crap. The good news is my nincompoop navigator, SIR RSB and I made it back to Pattaya, without getting lost this week.
Anyway, back to the run. The hares MRS. HEAD and SQUEEZE MY TUBE had chosen an excellent A-Site, which had not been used before. Spacious, cool and shaded, with the added bonus of having a Bush Bar just 50 metres away. Plenty of Baht buses and hashers this week.
Sign-ups were carried out efficiently by BALL RINGER and LIBERACE and so NMC was able to start on schedule and get the circle going with the usual proceedings of dealing with virgins; new shoes etc.
The hares were then called in to tell us about the run. Hanging paper. Also paper on the ground. Checks were crossed sticks. The run was 6 kilometres long.
Then we were off. First there was a flip flop deep water crossing over a picturesque water weir. This is used as a swimming pool by the local kids. The sight of about eighty hashers splashing across in front of them must have caused some befuddled bemusement.
After this some good running and a couple of checks, then everything changed. The hares told us the run was about 6km. long. What they obviously omitted to say was that 4 km of it was up and down and up and down and up ……… anyway you get my drift. Even the down was hard going. I had a blowout on the sole of one of my trainers, which I had just glued back together the previous day, and descended tentatively. But undeterred was MARATHON MAN, who was relishing the downward slope and sprightly passed me like one of these mountain goats you see on The National Geographic channel.
I think it was on the next slope that I had another blowout. This time it was my left lung. Eventually it was On In and thankfully, back across flip flop deep water crossing to the A-Site.
Most hashers were back in about an hour, but there were several phone calls coming in to say some were lost. I think the Hash Heroes that went looking for the lost “Walking Dead” were DEL BOY, BEVERLY HILLS PINK COCK, RUNNING BARE, MUD CRACKER, SLACK VAGINA and GI JOE. Well done.
It is great to see the comradery that comes at the hash. I was shooting the shit with SPERM POLLUTER when along comes FLYING FINN who offered us some chocolate. Not your cheap stuff either. I have had to pass on previous weeks offers of booze from him, because I have been worried about getting breathalysed on the way home. So the chocolate was great.
Later when the second circle was about to start, TAMPAX offered me a chair, and then supplied me with cheese and ham. When I was scribing, not once did I have to go to the beer truck as various hashers offered and brought me over a beer. I told my wife that it was not my fault that I was drunk, but it was because of these “Do gooders!” Shit! I don’t get treated this well at home. (Only kidding girls if you happen to read this!)
Eventually all and sundry made it back to the beer truck, where there were plenty of snacks and VV’s sandwiches for the hungry and real cold amber nectar for the thirsty.
So after a decent cooling down period our GM NMC started the second circle and brought our female hares in. Good run was the final opinion.
SIR FREE WILLY started the Raffle. The first number was called and I only missed it by four. Unfortunately, that was the closest I got. Many assorted prizes for the lucky winners. But it looks like SQUEEZE MY TUBE needs a new pair of glasses as she had the wrong number and ended up in the ice bucket.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD brought in the Belgian Boys. This motley mob are like a breath of fresh Flemish air to the hash. The only thing they do not relish, with their usual energetic enthusiasm, is singing. Maybe this is because none of them can speak English and one can speak Chinese.
RAT VON KIEL, who is one of them, was seen crying, as his girlfriend left him. But it was pointed out, he should be happy, as she has left him for a rich Australian Katoey.
WANK-KING’S WANKER then awarded DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES his 200th Run T-shirt. Topping this was SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD who received his 700th Run T-shirt. Well done to you both.
FLYING FINN informed us he has a bad knee but drinks plenty of vodka as a fiendishly Finnish fix. I guess you cannot beat these old time therapies. MUD CRACKER claims he is old and injured. I am sure he would not mind giving the vitalising vodka treatment a go.
MENTAL DISORDER brought in GI JOE and SPERM POLLUTER as they had been overheard talking about sucking dicks by BB. Do not know what induced this crude conversation or what the outcome was. Whatever, I am sure it was decidedly distasteful and hard to swallow.
He then brought in TELLY TUBBY and sat her on the ice, as she was one of the lost hashers from earlier on. Seemingly, her dog which she took on the run, just could not go on and TAMPAX had to carry the bitch. No! The dog you morons.
So a first on the Pattaya Hash. TELLY TUBBY’s canine cutie was given the hash name Gabby. (Guess it talks / barks a lot) As we have fixed fees for sign ups, LIBERACE is now working out a new rate for dogs.
We were informed that NO MORE COME has traded in his motorbike for a mountain bike and to avoid further accidents has training wheels on it. He even has a special helmet to let his mulligan through.
NMC then iced LONE WOLF, ROBBING BASTARD and WANK-KING’S WANKER, but I do not know what for as someone has written in my notes “And Billy went for a piss!”
It was soon time for the Hares song, but unfortunately, they did not have one, so BB did the honours and helped them out.
Well done hares. A good hash from MRS. HEAD and SQUEEZE MY TUBE.
I know a lot more happened but as usual the Alka-seltzers Disease and the Chang beer have destroyed more than a few brain cells. I do seem to remember quite a few Hash Shit Hats changed hands involving VV, WANK-KING’S WANKER, BOB-A-GOB, and TAMPAX, but I guess we have to wait till next week to see who is wearing what.
Time for Hash Hymn then it was off to The Blue Heeler Bar for Happy Hour. This is a new hash bar and hope it worked out well for them and for us. I did not make it but just want to say thanks to them.
On-On! General Kidney Wiper
Next week’s scribe is Scar w/2T’s
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners This Week – 99
Hashers Present Last Week – 65
2 Megan Dropsy; 11 Joep Janssen; 9 Ragnar Johansen; 3 Gudrun Johansson; 10 Onanong Kruewangpom; 21 ARSE VAN HOLE; 107 B. B.; 583 BALL RINGER; 366 BELL END; 104 BEN 10; 199 BEVERLY HILLS PINK COCK; 61 BIGGUS DICKUS; 25 BOB SNOT HERE; 90 BURL IVES; 100 CAMEL HUMPER; 229 CHEAP NORGY CUNT; 14 CHICKEN DUNDEE; 91 CRAPPER; 69 DEL BOY; 92 DESERT SCORPION; 1379 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 154 FLYING FINN; 139 FUZZY LURE; 615 G.I. JOE; 275 GANGREEN; 749 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER; 80 GOLDEN RIVET; 18 HARBOR WHORE; 56 HAWKEYE; 68 JINGLE BALLS; 38 KAMOY KATOY; 679 LADY FLIPPER; 323 LIBERACE; 136 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 416 LONE WOLF; 112 LOST CAUSE; 53 LOVE BOAT; 188 MARATHON MAN; 5 MAYO QUEEN; 165 MENTAL DISORDER; 88 MISS USE ME; 728 MRS. HEAD; 167 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 195 NO MORE CUM; 387 ODD-JOB; 340 PELER; 33 PHANTOM; 125 POCAHONTAS; 54 POCKET SOCKET; 24 RAT VON KIEL; 157 RATSO-EEL-SNIFFER; 199 RUBBER DICK; 151 RUNNING BARE; 240 SCAR W/2TS; ; 672 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 701 SIR FREE WILLY; 703 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 864 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 424 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 499 TADPOLE; 40 TELLY TUBBY; 21 THE WIZARD; 33 UNSTABLE LOAD; 796 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 309 WANK-KING’S WANKER
Returners – 22
2 Vilairat Gatty; 4 Wassana Songsop; 8 Alan Taylor; 64 BANANAS; 47 CASPAR; 302 DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES; 39 FUNNY BUNNY; 113 HELIUM HEAD; 4 LOVELY LADY; 88 MUD CRACKER; 57 ONE MORE TIME; 6 PENELOPE PITSTOP; 36 POL DANCER; 215 ROBBING BASTARD; 58 SLACK VAGINA; 97 SLIPPERY ARSE; 118 SPECIAL PRICE; 72 SPERM POLLUTER; 66 STREET CLEANER; ; 419 TAMPAX; 147 TINY ANAL TORPEDO; 169 UP THE BUTT
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 9
2 LUCAN MADE ME CUM – Bangkok Hash, Thailand
4 Gene Parisa – Bangkok Thursday Hash, Thailand
18 BOB-A-GOB – Mefeking Hash
21 BLACK DIAMOND – Pattaya Jungle Hash, Thailand
15 BLACK DRAGON – Pattaya Jungle Hash, Thailand
2 WHO CUT THE CHEESE – Pattaya Jungle Hash, Thailand
9 WINDOW WANKER – Pattaya Jungle Hash, Thailand
9 MARC SEX – Subic Bay Hash, Philippines
2 Francios Masciola – Unknown Hash
BOB SNOT HERE having completed 25 runs with PH3 is now a member.
Virgins – 3
Yves Van Malder
Leavers – 0
~ none this week ~
Anniversaries – 3
SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD was awarded his 700th Run T-Shirt.
DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES was awarded his 300th Run T-Shirt.
CAMEL HUMPER was congratulated on completing his 100th Run.
Hash Name Events – 0
~ none this week ~
Saints and Sinners – 4
Hash Crash – LONE WOLF – Cut his thumb while mounting his Harley in his lounge
Hash Shit – BOB-A-GOB – Forgetting his name every week.
Hash Trash – TAMPAX – Using the Beer truck as a garbage bin.
Hash Trash – WANK-KING’S WANKER – Using the Beer truck as a garbage bin.
~ none this week ~