Scribe Report by Biggus Dickus
The Belgian Run took us to one of the better hashing areas in Pattaya, down Highway 36 near the old Bira Race Track.
When we arrived at the A-Site it was good to see such a large gathering of hashers. Low season is behind us now and many familiar faces are back in town. The A-Site was well selected, with plenty of off-road parking for the cars, and plenty of open space to conduct a circle. It was also a very private location, well away from any locals.
Soon NO MORE CUM called the first circle and dealt with the virgins (8 of them) and new shoes, before calling the Hares in to give us the run down on the trail they had laid for us. Plenty of them too: VV, UNSTABLE LOAD, RAT VON KIEL, ARSE VAN HOLE, SMOKEY TRUCKY FUCKY, HARBOR WHORE, CHICKEN DUNDEE, MAYO QUEEN and an attractive young lady named Megan who is visiting us from Luxembourg.
Soon the runners took off in search of paper and I remained behind with the rest of the walkers to receive our instructions. As we set off down the road following the main pack we were passed by a songteaw full of lazy bastards (AKA Beer Hunters) being driven to the nearest Mom & Pop shop.
Do you Beer Hunters have any idea how and why Hashing began? Let me refresh your memories: Gispert, Horse and Torch were sitting around the Hash House drinking piss one day and Gispert told his mates that all this sitting around drinking piss wasn’t such a good idea, they really should do some sporting activity first. Sort of work up a bit of a sweat, burn off a few calories, and then drink piss. In other words EARN their piss. So they contemplated what they could do. They immediately ruled out poofter sports like badminton and croquet, they lacked sufficient numbers to form a cricket or rugger team, so they decided on a cross-country paper chase. And that was how it all started.
So St. Gispert would be turning triple summersaults in his grave if he could have seen that songteaw full of lazy bastards rolling down the road in search of beer while the rest of the pack was diligently running round in circles cracking checks.
Anyway, back to the trail, which I trampled along while chewing the fat with my good friends BURL IVES and GOLDEN RIVET. It was a very good, very well laid trail, which is to expected with a seasoned Hare like VV at the helm. There was plenty of paper, it was easy to follow, in nice open hash country so we could clearly see where we were ultimately headed; therefore nobody got lost. So all in all a pleasant sunny afternoon stroll through the pineapple fields.
We arrived back at the A-Site around 5:30pm and to our utter delight the front-runners were already in, so we we’re able to make a beeline straight for the beer truck and quench our parched throats with the jolly lager beer.
Soon the Hares announced that a free meal was provided and a mighty long line of famished Hashers quickly formed to receive their serving of some Belgian version of macaroni and meatballs. I cannot comment on the meal as I’m pretty well vegetarian (actually, according to DEL BOY, I’m technically what’s known as a “pescetarian”). However, thanks to the kind Hares for providing the food.
Before too long NO MORE CUM called the circle in to kick off the evening’s entertainment. At this stage it looked highly likely that we were soon going to cop a mighty pissing-down-in-biblical-proportions tropical storm as there were menacing black clouds darkening the sky. Most fortunately the clouds seemed to drift away and the rain never came but it did get dark very quickly. Also highly conspicuous by their absence were the swarms of mosquitoes we usually encounter around that area. It was nice not to drench ourselves in insect repellent, as we so often have to do after the sun goes down.
After icing the Hares NO MORE CUM handed the circle over to that wonderful sophisticated bon vivant, SIR FREE WILLY to conduct the Raffle. This weeks lucky winners were in chronological order: BELL STAR; EBONY PRINCESS; Megan Dropsy; HONEY BEAR; FUZZY LURE; COLONEL CORNHOLE; LINEAR ACCELERATOR; MASTER CHEF; and some Dutchman who nobody could identify for me.
With the Raffle over our illustrious RA EMPEROR AIRHEAD took the circle and once more the Hares were iced, along with TADPOLE (for looking sexy for Christ sakes… that’s like icing Groucho Marx for cracking one-liners), LITTLE TOMMY TWO LIPS, and the visiting virgins along with a few other miscreants.
Next up came WANK-KING’S WANKER to give out the awards: lovely black PH3 polo shirts for LADY SNAKE and LOVE BOAT for completing their 50th Runs. And a lovely black PH3 circus tent for SIR FREE WILLY for completing his 700th Run (Get a life, Get a life… ). And RUNNING BARE who got fuck all for completing his 150th Run. Congratulations and well done all of you.
NO MORE CUM then took the circle again and immediately bucketed ME. Bucket the Scribe! Bucket the bloody Scribe! Never heard of such effrontery before. The Scribe is sacred and impervious to the tomfoolery that is going on around him. His is the most important role of the evening. You can’t bucket the Scribe while he’s sitting there crafting his masterpiece. That’s like making William Shakespeare put down his quill and go scrub a toilet floor when he was halfway through writing King Harry’s St. Crispin Day speech before the Battle of Agincourt.
Anyway, joining me in the bucket and on the ice were HAWKEYE; DEL BOY; EBONY PRINCESS (Choc milk anyone?) and a couple others who’s names I didn’t get and I have not the foggiest idea what they did to get iced and bucketed.
This was followed by LONE WOLF taking the circle and icing a bunch of people for a bunch of assorted Hash crimes. He then brought EBONY PRINCESS and LOVE BOAT into the circle and attempted to draw physical comparisons between these two charming ladies, which was rather like comparing Johnny Winter with Wesley Snipes.
The circle was then handed over to MENTAL DISORDER who iced GOLDILOCKS and some others for not wearing Hash shirts, and someone else for a Rule 6 violation (chatting up other men in Jacuzzis, I believe was the charge). We were then treated to the usual MENTAL DISORDER nonsense, this time selecting various Hashers and Cracks to fill the roles of the cast of Gilligan’s Island.
Following these shenanigans he iced ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CLUELESS who was visiting us from Pattaya Jungle H3. Plus CRAPPER and returning runner POCKET SOCKET for celebrating their recent reunion with some horizontal cha-cha.
BB then took the circle and iced all the Yanks, claiming that President-elect of the United States, Donald John Trump should abandon his election promise to have a wall built along the USA-Mexico border and instead have it along USA-Canada border.
Than the Hares sang us a song that would have easily won the Eurovision Song Contest hands down.
We closed the circle with a rousing rendition of the Hash Hymn, and set off in convoy, meandering our way through the back streets of Pattaya’s Dark Side, on route to the On-On Bar, the Tahitian Queen.
See you all next Monday.
On-On! Biggus Dickus
Next week’s scribe is Scar w\2T’s
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners This Week – 105
Hashers Present Last Week – 66
10 Joep Janssen; 8 Ragnar Johansen; 2 Gudrun Johansson; 9 Onanong Kruewangpom; 582 BALL RINGER; 365 BELL END; 103 BEN 10; 89 BURL IVES; 99 CAMEL HUMPER; 228 CHEAP NORGY CUNT; 13 CHICKEN DUNDEE; 147 COLONEL CORNHOLE; 9 CRACKLE; 90 CRAPPER; 22 CROW FUCKER; 91 DESERT SCORPION; 69 DIRT LOONEY; 11 EBONY PRINCESS; 1378 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 153 FLYING FINN; 138 FUZZY LURE; 614 G.I. JOE; 274 GANGREEN; 748 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER; 79 GOLDEN RIVET; 17 HARBOR WHORE; 154 HONEY BEAR; 678 LADY FLIPPER; 322 LIBERACE; 135 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 87 LITTLE TOMMY TWO LIPS; 415 LONE WOLF; 111 LOST CAUSE; 52 LOVE BOAT; 6 MARCUS SKIDDUS; 164 MENTAL DISORDER; 87 MISS USE ME; 12 MR. BEAN; 727 MRS. HEAD; 166 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 194 NO MORE CUM; 386 ODD-JOB; 112 PAPRIKA SMILEY; 339 PELER; 32 PHANTOM; 30 POLE FUCKER; 9 POP; 23 RAT VON KIEL; 156 RATSO-EEL-SNIFFER; 198 RUBBER DICK; 69 SHIT ON MY SHIRT; 671 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 700 SIR FREE WILLY; 702 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 863 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 13 SMOKEY TRUCKY FUCKY; 9 SNAP; 70 SPANKINSTEIN; 423 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 498 TADPOLE; 39 TELLY TUBBY; 20 THE WIZARD; 206 TOM BOY; 32 UNSTABLE LOAD; 795 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 308 WANK-KING’S WANKER
Returners – 22
20 ARSE VAN HOLE; 106 B. B.; 61 BAHT BUS GESTAPO; 26 BELL STAR; 198 BEVERLY HILLS PINK COCK; 60 BIGGUS DICKUS; 68 DEL BOY; 286 GERMAN SHEPHERD; 162 GREYHOUND; 55 HAWKEYE; 67 JINGLE BALLS; 37 KAMOY KATOY; 50 LADY SNAKE; 5 LESBIAN FENIAN BASTARD; 187 MARATHON MAN; 69 MASTER CHEF; 4 MAYO QUEEN; 124 POCAHONTAS; 53 POCKET SOCKET; 150 RUNNING BARE; 239 SCAR W/2TS; 348 VELCRO DICK
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 9
4 FANNY – Bicester Hash, UK
15 TOSSA – Botany Bay Hash, Australia
1 Megan Dropsey – Grand Duchy H3, Luxembourg
2 GOLDILOCKS – Holzwickede Hash, Germany
24 BOB SNOT HERE – Nhatrain, Vietnam
12 ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CLUELESS – Pattaya Jungle Hash, Thailand
1 Daryl Yardley – Pattaya Jungle Monkey H3
2 SCRATCH – Scilly Isles Hash
1 WOBBLY WALLY St. Petersburg Hash, Russia
Virgins – 8
Leavers – 0
~ none this week ~
Anniversaries – 4
SIR FREE WILLY was awarded his 700th Run Polo Shirt.
RUNNING BARE was congratulated on completing his 150th Run.
LADY SNAKE was congratulated on completing her 50th Run.
LOVE BOAT was awarded her 50th Run Polo Shirt.
Hash Name Events – 0
~ none this week ~
Saints and Sinners – 0
~ none this week ~
~ none this week ~