Scribe Report by Gangreen
Aristotle’s Rules for Classical Hash Scribing: The three rules are simple:
- The story must contain one plot, with minimal sub-plots (“unity of action”),
- It must take place in one geographical setting (“unity of place”).
- In one period of time, preferably less than 24 hours (“unity of time”).
Not only are we celebrating SFW’s wedding anniversary to the always suffering LADY FLIPPER, but the ‘Little, Big Man’ up in Bangkok has declared today to be “National Thai Happiness Day” so we have 2 reasons to be happy today. (3 reasons if you include all the beer you can drink at the Hash)). Most people found it really hard to believe that SFW and LADY FLIPPER have been married for 31 years. Heck…. most male Hashers ‘relationship’ with the opposite sex probably doesn’t last more the 31 minutes if you include the shower time. But I do believe that our poor LADY FLIPPER is suffering from a classic case of “Stockholm Syndrome” which is an emotional attachment to a captor by a hostage as a result of continuous stress, dependence and a need to cooperate for survival. The only time the PH3 ever saw LADY FLIPPER really smile was when SIR FREE WILLY was doing his “Prisons Of The World” tour – Part Deux.
With a day showing so much promise, we got off to a bad start…. in fact there was no ‘start’’ at all as the baht buses got tied up in one of those VIP traffic jams where the BIB block off all main highways for an hour or so to allow a cavalcade to proceed unimpeded to wherever they were going. After sitting at the intersection of Pattaya Tai and Sukhumvit Road for about a hour and a half we got to know our baht bus neighbors very well…. in fact too well because these people are not as interesting as they are on the return journey when we all have a couple of beers in our hands. “Welcome to Dullsville”….. population “us” ! ! ! ! I think that the conversation went something like this:
¼ POUNDER WITH CHEESE: I have an appointment at the brand new lubitorium, do you want to go with me?
WANK-KING’S WANKER: Sorry ¼ POUNDER but I start my new job as a tragematopolist and it’s very important that I don’t miss my first day but GANGREEN might want to go with you and keep you company.
GANGREEN: I’m really sorry but I can’t make it as I’m feeling a bit wabbit right now I also think that I’m coming down with the woofits. Say ATOMIC MUFF DIVER do you want to go?
ATOMIC MUFF DIVER: No thanks, I need to go calamistrate. But ¼ POUNDER… I’m so glad that you are no longer ergophobic.
And so the conversation went on and on……..
Finally arriving at the beautiful and very scenic A-Site on Jomtien Beach our Grand Master for the month hastily called the circle together and quicker than an Evelyn Wood speed reading course SFW was soon telling us about today’s run and the pack was off. Now we have used this site for so many of SFW’s special runs in the past that you would think SFW would finally lay a half decent run. Now normally I’m one of those front running bastards (or at least the word ‘bastard’ is usually used when talking about me in polite conversations) for our weekly interminable trudges around all the flora and fauna we call Pattaya but it was such a beautiful day, I decided to not run this day and just enjoy the scenary.
Much to my delight, the usual front running suspects arrived back at the A-Site.not at all looking like their usual sweaty, sexy selves. There was more bitching than usual going on about if there was a run or paper out there, they sure as heck couldn’t find it. Rumors abound as the main suspicion was that SFW just drove his car around and had LADY FLIPPER just throw some paper out the window every kilometer or so. The other rumor was the SFW just moved some garbage he found on the road around to resemble a Hash run. Either way it meant that the beer truck was still closed.
For the first time in many years, nobody got lost on one of SFW’s runs and after plying the Hash with many bottles of wine, we all decided it was a good run. The GM for the month called us all together and after the usual blah, blah, blah’s, the always anticipated Raffle was held. The big highlight was when RUBBER DICK won that very hot looking red lingerie set that came from SIR FREE WILLY’s private collection. But RUBBER DICK always being the gentleman (or at least until he gets her back in his room) handed the lingerie back to LADY FLIPPER so tt finally goes back to It’s rightful place in Willy’s closet.
Biggest disappoint was the auction was only being offered 200 baht for one of TADPOLE‘s previously worn underwear which was happily won and worn by another one of our Hash ladies.
Now getting into some real Hash business, AIRHEAD takes the circle and promptly ices the hares. Now before I get any further on this, I want to put an end to the vicious rumour that’s been going around that AIRHEAD combs his hair with a balloon…. not true!!!!!! After giving the hares our usual Hash thank you cold beer, AIRHEAD now turns his attention to HOT LIPS HOOLIGAN who puts his ass on the line every day out there in Kabul but today it’s ours and it was a very frequent visitor to the ice all night. But every time HOT LIPS was cooling on the ice, it meant that I wasn’t there which is all that really matters. Next up on AIRHEAD‘s cardboard hit list was the father and 12 year old son team….. who shall remain nameless. Which male hasher who was present today only wished that their dad brought them to Pattaya when we were 12 years old….. we could play catch with our baseball gloves on the beach and everything or are those days long gone!!!
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented…….. I forgot where I was going with this….. oh yeah!!!! WANK-KING’S WANKER finally had a lucid moment and gave out the awards. I think the theme for tonight’s awards was who could take the longest to receive it. BIGGUS DICKUS taken a lifetime to get his 50 Runs Shirt or ICE BUTT BUNNY who finally was handed his 5 Hared Hash Hat that SPAGHETTI HEAD has had to lug out to every Monday Hash run for over 5 years.
I was really starting to get into this ‘Scribing’ thing as one of the perks is your own private chair (a real luxury on the PH3) when I was blinded by a whole bunch of disco ball lights and this is the part of the Hash evening when it all starts to get foggy. I was having some kind of flashback when out of somewhere came the sound of angels dying and then I realized it was TAMPAX flying solo tonight. It was here that my mind started to wander and think that just because I’m paranoid, doesn’t mean they aren’t really out to get me or what’s the postal code for Kabul in case I want to write HOT LIPS HOOLIGAN a letter, or is 3 ply really better than 2 ply but my biggest fear was that there might be a geography question asked during the circle. But luckily TAMPAX‘s song didn’t last too long and I was back to my nearly normal self once again.
As it was nearly time for the circle to finish, it was time for the Hares to sing the song. Again SIR FREE WILLY was front and center. That SIR FREE WILLY is amazing…. he consumes pressure the way Godzilla favors hot nuclear rods—- it only makes him stronger. He finished us all off with his rendition of “Bye, Bye Blackbird” or was it “Bye Bye Obama”? which lead us into our Hash Hymn and final tearful goodbyes to our fellow Hashers until next week when we can insult and slander everyone again.
After dutifully handing over the official PH3 scribing board and pen your humble scribe stumbled back to the nearest baht bus for the always interesting ride back home. The best part about the ride home is that the next morning you will never remember exactly who was on the bus with you and anything that was said is way off in the distance.
Next week is the always highly anticipated annual “Aussie Run”. Everyone always has a great time at this annual event except it does come with one curse the PH3 just can’t seem to shake….. It’s the returning Aussies of course!!!!!!!
Until next week, I remain your humble scribe,
Next week’s scribe is Rear Gunner
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners This Week – 53
Hashers Present Last Week – 38
4 Sunisa Guiney; 239 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE; 8 ARSE VAN HOLE; 50 BIGGUS DICKUS; 17 BOB SNOT HERE; 13 BOB-A-GOB; 93 CAMEL HUMPER; 74 CRAPPER; 1363 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 598 G.I. JOE; 256 GANGREEN; 731 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER; 45 HAWKEYE; 13 HOT LIPS HOOLIGAN; 662 LADY FLIPPER; 307 LIBERACE; 400 LONE WOLF; 130 MENSTRUAL DISORDER; 153 MENTAL DISORDER; 712 MRS. HEAD; 152 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 58 PRINCESS BUM BOY; 185 RUBBER DICK; 653 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 684 SIR FREE WILLY; 684 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 848 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 5 SQUEAK; 380 STINKY SLOPPY SECONDS; 485 TADPOLE; 418 TAMPAX; 23 TELLY TUBBY; 67 TESTICLES; 3 THE WIZARD; 169 TWO TIME; 18 UNSTABLE LOAD; 781 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 289 WANK-KING’S WANKER
Returners – 12
55 BAHT BUS GESTAPO; 565 BALL RINGER; 58 BANANAS; 76 BURL IVES; ; 36 ICE BUTT BUNNY; 136 KIDNEY BEAN; 102 KIDNEY STONE; 44 LADY SNAKE; 74 MISS USE ME; 155 PINKABOO; 242 REAR GUNNER; 6 VIOS
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 2
5 HOME BREW – Chiang Mai Hash, Thailand
19 SLUG – Gladstone Hash, Australia
Virgins – 1
Leavers – 2
Anniversaries – 5
LADY FLIPPER was congratulated for her 40th Hared Run.
CRAPPER was awarded his 5th Hared Run Hat.
ICE BUTT BUNNY was awarded his 5th Hared Run Hat.
LONE WOLF was awarded his 400th Run Hat.
BIGGUS DICKUS was congratulated for completing his 50th Run.
Hash Name Events – 0
~ none this week ~
Saints and Sinners – 0
~ none this week ~
Happy Hashy Birthday! GANGREEN – 21 July
Happy Hashy Birthday! SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD – 13 July