Scribe Report by Biggus Dickus
“Thailand is considered the transgender capital of the world. The third gender is an accepted part of Thai society and transgenderism is everywhere: from TV celebs, to transgender flight attendants, to foreign and Thai transwomen seen all around town.”
“One thing I quickly learned about Thailand is nothing goes according to plan but everything works out well in the end.”
The above two quotations, that I stumbled across online this week, could certainly be applied to Run 1683. To the amazement of the good denizens of Jomtien a larger than usual group of foreign transwomen were seen around town; and what looked like becoming the biggest hashing stuff-up bar none of 2016 turned out well in the end.
PH3 assembled for the 2016 Betty Boop Run on a large football field adjacent to the Atlantis Condotel in Jomtien. As we alighted from our vehicles many of us looked around the field, at the goalposts, and knowingly nodded with a strong sense of impending doom.
As is the tradition with the annual Betty Boop Run, all who signed up dressed in drag got a free run. So approximately a dozen burly busty bearded buxom beer-bellied broads could be seen trampling around the A-Site in their dazzling evening gowns and sexy slips, leaving other hashers pondering just how low is a man prepared to sink in order to save 350 baht? And some thought must go to all those regular hashers who were conspicuous by their absences: all those die-hard homophobes like BURL IVES and SUGAR DADDY.
The circle was called and the Hares gave their pre-run amble. The runners set off, whilst walkers were told to remain behind for their instructions. Unfortunately I can tell you nothing at all about the run as I had twisted my right ankle and fallen and grazed my left knee a week earlier, so I decided to just have a pleasant stroll along Jomtien Beach for half an hour, which is exactly what I did, along with my companions HAWKEYE and SUPADICK.
Back at the A-Site the runners and walkers began returning and preparations were well under way to set up for the evening circle. The aged, maimed and afflicted began arranging their chairs. Pattaya‘s answer to the Jimi Hendrix Experience were unrolling cables and setting up their amps. Pattaya’s answer to Sir Roger Moore SIR FREE WILLY was seen cheerfully arranging his table and sorting out his goodies for the Raffle. Then suddenly scores of Thai football players arrived to find their sports field had been taken over by a huge contingent of foreign devils and the ugliest band of ladyboys this side of the black stump.
For a while it looked deadly serious, there was a feeling of tension pulsating around the A-Site, the likes of which hasn’t been felt since The Bay of Pigs fiasco in 1961. There was even talk of that horror of all horrors: the remainder of the Hash being cancelled. But phone calls were made, top-level discussions were held, staggering amounts of money changed hands, receipts were requested and issued, and finally it was resolved. The Thai footy players played footy, and PH3 held their circle.
So once again in Thailand, nothing went according to plan but everything worked out well in the end. However, future Hares should take note of what happened on Run 1683 when selecting their A-Sites. There’s no doubt that the Hash works best when it’s just us, alone and secluded out in the bush, where we can conduct our pagan rituals well away from any interference from the local population. The mere sight of something like a goalpost should send icy shivers down the spines of any hasher doing a recce for an A-Site from now on.
GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER took the circle and iced the four hares, along with admonishing them for their choice of runsite, before handing over to Raffle Master SIR FREE WILLY. This week’s lucky winners were: GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER, TRY A FUCK, SUPADICK, FRODO, FINI THE FAGGOT, POCKET SOCKET, MASTER CHEF.
RA EMPEROR AIRHEAD then took the circle and soon had the Betty Boop crossdressers lined up for a beauty contest. One by one there were eliminations until it was whittled down to just two remaining: HULK and MARK THE BELGIAN. And, to a roar of approval from the pack, MARK, who was still unnamed at that stage, and who had put considerable effort into his attire and appearance for the day, was declared the winner.
A few of our lovely PH3 cracks had also made the effort to crossdress for the day, so RA EMPEROR AIRHEAD carried out a similar process of elimination which ended in a 3-way draw for MARIO, RAMBO, and OSAMBA BIN LADEN.
GM MENTAL DISORDER then took the circle and soon had all the Belgians on the ice. I’ve got to say here I sometimes have great difficulty in following MENTAL DISORDER’s train of thought, so I remain totally mystified how (and why?) he managed to steer the discourse to the conclusion that VV‘s Belgian ex-wife looks like FINI THE FAGGOT.
WANK-KING’S WANKER now took the circle and promptly put MENTAL DISORDER, SIR FREE WILLY, GANGREEN, TAMPAX and a couple other miscreants on the icy thrones for something or other. However, WANK-KING’S WANKER did have some serious business to attend to, the awarding of Anniversary Run T-shirts to SCARLET PIMPERNEL (100 runs) SEAL SUCKER (200 runs) and LIBERACE (300 runs) and GANGREEN who was toasted for completing 250 runs.
At this stage of the proceedings I stopped to pour myself a beer and when I looked up HULK, 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE, LIBERACE, BALL RINGER and ANFI were all being iced for something I haven’t a clue about.
Next came BELGIUM MARK, the dazzling hands-down winner of the Betty Boop drag contest, to receive his hash name. Turns out Mark works at a wharf back home in Belgium, so he ended up being christened HARBOR WHORE. A fine name he can carry with pride.
In the usual manner of the close-to-closing-time rush to get rid of the final down down beers, all sorts of Hashers and Harriettes from all sorts of countries were iced for all sorts of reasons. Then as the event drew to an end the leavers led the pack in the Hash Hymn and PH3 continued on to Nicky’s Bar for more amber neck oil and some fine greasy chicken.
On-On! Biggus Dickus
Next week’s scribe is Rear Gunner
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners This Week – 65
Hashers Present Last Week – 57
3 Craig Cockburn; 3 Phapuchang Orathai; 3 Alexander Van Hulst; 233 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE; 190 ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA; 52 BAHT BUS GESTAPO; 560 BALL RINGER; 56 BANANAS; 46 BIGGUS DICKUS; 13 BOB SNOT HERE; 68 CRAPPER; 289 DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES; 1357 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 250 GANGREEN; 725 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER; 15 GIVE ME ONE; 59 GOLDEN RIVET; 3 HARBOR WHORE; 41 HAWKEYE; 113 HULK; 656 LADY FLIPPER; 41 LADY SNAKE; 301 LIBERACE; 121 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 396 LONE WOLF; 91 LOST CAUSE; 175 MARATHON MAN; 60 MASTER CHEF; 124 MENSTRUAL DISORDER; 147 MENTAL DISORDER; 70 MISS USE ME; 707 MRS. HEAD; 146 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 379 ODD-JOB; 107 PAPRIKA SMILEY; 327 PELER; 111 POCAHONTAS; 36 POCKET SOCKET; 179 RUBBER DICK; 134 RUNNING BARE; 31 SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE; 101 SCARLET PIMPERNEL; 203 SEAL SUCKER; 59 SHIT ON MY SHIRT; 647 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 678 SIR FREE WILLY; 678 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 843 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 74 SUZY WONG; 480 TADPOLE; 412 TAMPAX; 18 TELLY TUBBY; 62 TESTICLES; 165 TWO TIME; 12 UNSTABLE LOAD; 777 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 283 WANK-KING’S WANKER
Returners – 8
384 FINI THE FAGGOT; 12 FRODO; 159 PISSED POLE DANCER; ; 5 PUSSY WHIPPED; 238 REAR GUNNER; 573 SIR MC; 64 SUPA DICK; 206 TRY-A-FUCK
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 0
~ none this week ~
Virgins – 0
~ none this week ~
Leavers – 2
Anniversaries – 4
LIBERACE was awarded his 300th Run T-Shirt.
GANGREEN was congratulated for completing his 250th Run.
SEAL SUCKER was awarded his 200th Run T-Shirt.
SCARLET PIMPERNEL was awarded his 100th Run T-Shirt.
Hash Name Events – 1
Marc De Vriendt was given the New Hash Name HARBOR WHORE.
Saints and Sinners – 0
~ none this week ~
~ none this week ~