Scribe Report by General Kidney Wiper
Road to nowhere.
Well not really. The A-Site was behind the Shell Garage on Highway 36 and it has been paved since we were last here. It is amazing how Pattaya and all these small tracks constantly keep changing.
There has to be someone, or something, of importance further up the road. Hey! I have it. They must have built it for our Hash Run 1682. (Still believe in Santa Claus?)
There was a good crowd there before I arrived and as I have not been on a hash for some time, it was good to see all the familiar reprobates. The baht buses arrived promptly and sign ups were efficiently dealt with by those two stalwarts BALL RINGER and LIBERACE.
Our GM MENTAL DISORDER called the circle to order and dealt with virgins and new shoes. The Hares TAMPAX, WANK-KING’S WANKER, BAHT BUS GESTAPO and LADY SNAKE, told us about the run and we were off.
I went along with the motley crew known as the Beer Hunters, which numbered twelve in all. As usual we discussed and solved the problems of the world, such as pensions; skin surgery and where to buy Zimmer Frames. We did experience a large speeding truck having some kind of blowout, as we were reminiscing, but true to the style of Thai driving, whereby “the driver fled the scene,” this driver “managed to keep on truckin’.”
We headed back to the beer truck, which had plenty people milling around it, and although some were runners, no one was drinking beer. These runners had honestly manned up and admitted getting lost or short cutting. So with the new ruling of “No drinking till the first runner comes in!” It was a case of thumb twiddling and cursing the incompetent ineptitude of those rustic runners from deliberately denying us of our fermented fix.
Luckily, not long after, the first runner SPERM POLLUTER arrived and the flood gates were opened, or at least the bottles were. GI JOE told me the run was 7 km. but knowing all the false trails and checks he does, maybe it was only 5 km. Anyway for the hungry hoards, VV was BBQing his delicious hot dogs.
After a decent cooling down period our GM started the second circle. It was announced that our renowned, respected hasher and friend THE POPE had passed away after an extended battle with cancer. His first run was run number 7, which meant he was the earliest active hasher in PH3. He had achieved 356 runs. Only work commitments hampered his continuously running with PH3. He also ran on the first Pattaya Full Moon Hash and the first Pattaya Mountain Bike Hash. He also ran in Lhoksome (Indonesia) when he worked there and was known as THE RED BARON.
A minute’s silenced was observed and a collective down down was held with ¼ POUNDER W/CHEESE, RUBBER DICK, HELIX, EMPEROR AIRHEAD and GKW jointly leading the proceedings.
SIR FREE WILLY started the Raffle and dispensed prizes to all and sundry, except your Scribe. Although none of the prizes were in the value range of microwave ovens, which we have had in the past, it is good to see the looks of delight on those that did win these prizes.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD brought in the Hares and it was deemed “a good run.” But there was no advance on “good” even though the Hares blatantly badgered and cajoled trying to get it upgraded by the attending circle.
Those two Pattaya Playboys NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER and LINEAR ACCELERATOR were iced. A TQ girl said she would live with them for free. It was then organized for two girls to be dispatched to their house. Unfortunately, these girls have never been seen since.
HULK and SUZY WONG on the ice next. HULK likes his good German food. Sauerkraut; Fladlesuppe; Zwiebelkuchen and Wibele. Reading about these just makes you hungry. No wonder HULK got Hulkier.
At this moment TADPOLE gave me a tumbler of wine and I start to have some difficulty discerning my notes. I can confirm this was red wine. How do I know, because it was not written in my notes? Well on Tuesday morning I went for a run at Jomtien wearing the same T-shirt I wore on the hash. Not too dirty, as I went with the Beer Hunters. Wrong! It had red shit all down the front. At first I thought it was lipstick, but that does not happen to me these days (thank God).
It was not until I read my hash notes about the wine. Then I realized I must have dribbled and drooled it down the front of my T-shirt. Don’t laugh all you young dudes. This is an experience that you will experience one day. Probably about the same time you are discussing Zimmer Frames.
What a relief. Being red / green colour-blind I had not a clue as to what it might have been.
For some reason TADPOLE ended up in the bucket. This was much to the chagrin of ¼ POUNDER W/CHEESE, who thought that cracks should not be put in the bucket. As the amber nectar had already taken hold of most of the circle, and true to hashing tradition, there were no sympathetic ears for this independent ideology.
PAPRIKA SMILEY, SUGAR DADDY, SEAL SUCKER and TESTICLES brought in. One girl was given the option of swapping her present boyfriend for one of these rich dudes. She took TESTICLES, although if she had known one of them was called SUGAR DADDY, the penny, I mean the baht might have dropped.
WANK-KING’S WANKER then took over the circle to give out awards.
- LIBERACE – 300 Runs
- BELL END – 350 Runs
- SCARLET PIMPERNEL – 100 Runs
- KIDNEY STONE – 100 Runs T-shirt
- BANANAS – 50 Runs Mug
- MENTAL DISORDER – 30 Hared Runs
Well done all!
Next up were ‘The Bunglers’ who had everybody singing along with them in fine fettle.
At this point my notes do not make a lot of sense. Why is it, that when you are not Scribe, you can remember most things. But when you are Scribe, even with notes, you can remember nothing.
BB took over the circle and iced some soccer players from Belgium. Then some Sheep Shaggers got iced. ¼ POUNDER W/CHEESE informed us, “He only goes with good looking sheep.” This bodes the question, “Who goes with the ugly ones?”
MACDWARF, MACFAGGOT and SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD were brought to show that no Scotsman is over five feet tall and they are the true Hobbits of the world. They were made to stand in the bucket, but this did not seem to help them grow. Quite the opposite.
SPERM POLLUTER took over and I seem to remember W-KW, BB and SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE on the ice.
I know a lot more happened but that Alka seltzers Disease coupled with copious amounts of Chang beer had taken their toll.
Hash Hymn and then it was off to The Boomerang Bar for Happy Hour. I did not make it, but I am sure they looked after us well like they usually do. Thanks to them. It was a good day.
I do not think I have ever seen such a large circle, where nearly everybody ended up on the ice at one time or another. THE POPE would have been proud of us!!!
On-On! General Kidney Wiper
Next week’s scribe is Biggus Dickus
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners This Week – 89
Hashers Present Last Week – 51
2 Marc De Vriendt; 2 Guy Sels; 2 Alexander Van Hulst; 232 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE; 189 ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA; 51 BAHT BUS GESTAPO; 559 BALL RINGER; 350 BELL END; 88 BEN 10; 13 BLACK DIAMOND; 12 BOB SNOT HERE; 38 CASPAR; 67 CRAPPER; 288 DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES; 1356 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 592 G.I. JOE; 249 GANGREEN; 14 GIVE ME ONE; 58 GOLDEN RIVET; 93 HELIX; 655 LADY FLIPPER; 40 LADY SNAKE; 300 LIBERACE; 120 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 395 LONE WOLF; 90 LOST CAUSE; 174 MARATHON MAN; 59 MASTER CHEF; 706 MRS. HEAD; 145 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 378 ODD-JOB; 326 PELER; 110 POCAHONTAS; 35 POCKET SOCKET; 178 RUBBER DICK; 133 RUNNING BARE; 100 SCARLET PIMPERNEL; 202 SEAL SUCKER; 58 SHIT ON MY SHIRT; 646 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 677 SIR FREE WILLY; 677 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 842 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 63 SPERM POLLUTER; 408 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 479 TADPOLE; 411 TAMPAX; 164 TWO TIME; 11 UNSTABLE LOAD; 776 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 282 WANK-KING’S WANKER
Returners – 24
2 Craig Cockburn; 3 Premjai Dakham; 2 Phapuchang Orathai; 104 B. B.; 55 BANANAS; 45 BIGGUS DICKUS; 72 BURL IVES; 42 CIA; 724 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER; 40 HAWKEYE; 112 HULK; 101 KIDNEY STONE; 19 MAC DWARF; 11 MAC FAGGOT; 123 MENSTRUAL DISORDER; 146 MENTAL DISORDER; 69 MISS USE ME; 106 PAPRIKA SMILEY; 62 PSYCHODELIC; 30 SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE; 33 SUGAR DADDY; 73 SUZY WONG; 17 TELLY TUBBY; 61 TESTICLES
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 5
6 CANNON BALL – Bangkok Hash, Thailand
4 MR BROWN EYES – Brunei Hash
1 TRIGGA MIST – London Hash, UK
12 BLACK DRAGON – Pattaya Jungle Hash, Thailand
2 Mats Hoegblom – Pattaya Jungle Irregular Lunar Hash, Thailand
Virgins – 9
Leavers – 1
Anniversaries – 6
MENTAL DISORDER was awarded his 10th Hared Run T-Shirt.
KIDNEY STONE was awarded her 100th Run T-Shirt,
BANANAS was awarded his 50th Run Mug,
BELL END was congratulated on completing her 350th Run.
LIBERACE was congratulated on completing his 300th Run.
SCARLET PIMPERNEL was congratulated on completing his 100th Run.
Hash Name Events – 0
~ none this week ~
Saints and Sinners – 0
~ none this week ~
~ none this week ~