Scribe Report by Sir Free Willy
Note: Scribe late because not received until Saturday AM. This is excused since scribe’s other personal duties prevented earlier release. Just to remind future scribes, reports are due close of business Wednesday. – Web Master
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war. That this foul deed shall smell above the earth with carrion men, groaning for burial. – William Shakespeare (Julius Caesar, Act III)
Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts. No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. – Charles Dickens (A Tale of Two Cities, 1859)
And in the beginning was Hanuman. And Hanuman gathered his disciples around him and commanded them to go forth and spread his word and teach the people to “Get biggy with Mr..Shiggy”. And the disciple known as Molly Kirgis did go forth and came to the wilderness known as Pattaya.
And the people did flock to hear the word of Hanuman and Molly’s tribe became known as the PH3 and verily did prosper. And her tribe were baptized with ice cold water for indeed they were the chosen people. And BALL RINGER begat BEN 10 and RUNNING BARE begat LITTLE WHITE DOVE and KARAMBA did begat anything in a G-String and number on their breast.
And many fell by the wayside and many were punished, ice being Hanuman’s tool, but the PH3 continued to flourish and increase as the multitude obeyed Hanuman’s commandments: “Thou shalt follow paper”, “Thou shalt not commit Rule 6” and “The GM is always right” …… and Hanuman did look down upon his people …. and Hanuman was pleased…..
And it came to pass that disciples from around the world did flock to Pattaya to celebrate the annual AGMPU run of the PH3.
And lo, verily there was no change of GM. For the incumbent one had been most Germanically efficient and so my children….. to infinity and beyond…. or to this A-Site on seemingly on Alpha Centauri.!!!!
Much could be said about this A-Site, probably seeing more action than BLUE SKY‘s silicone suntans which when flashed are a danger to anyone without eye protection, it was all set for another great run day on the PH3.
The Hares for today, incumbent GM, that’s GERMAN MIDGET to the brave or foolhardy, and his trusty side-kick LONE WOLF decide to increase attendances by choosing an A-Site half way to Chiang Mai.. I personally had to stop three times to fill up with petrol only to find the world’s most honest Brewmaster V.V. had ignored the carefully cleared area under the huge tree providing shade for everyone in favour of a wide open spot perfect for the shoot-out scene of The Good, The Bad and the Ugly..
Still who needs shade when it is the coldest day since Krisingdom.. I am not saying it was cold but the flame on my lighter froze. Fuck Me it was cold.. Bollocks it was cold….. Just to say….. It was cold. A healthy 81 runners brave the cold and a Long March to put Chiang Kai Shek’s 1948 example to shame, to get to the A-Site.
GM, NO MORE CUM breaking PH3 protocol to take the first circle himself instead of deputising to an underling, deals with new shoes and then off into the unknown for PH3 Run number 1664.
More hashers turn up to sign-in as St.Bernard dogs sniff out the stragglers left dying of exposure less than two hours from the A-Site. So near yet so far.
The hares, supremely confident in their own abilities, (remember my children these two splendid buggers are bikers used to expensive not to say extensive heavy machinery between their legs) were convinced the motley will return to the promised land led by our own version of Moses any minute now.. For you Godless people fallen by the wayside, it took Moses 40 years to lead his people back home.. People do not realise how much time is taken up by 40,000 people stopping to take a dump three times a day…. Small wonder.
After slightly more time than was comfortable for the hares nerves, the runners drip back in drabs with no-one lost at least.. Winding down time and the run is dissected and pulled apart and pontificated on at length and the run is acknowledged as a success.
Second circle started and the hares are iced by tradition and as stated before, “Were you listening?” the run is judged a success. Mind you children, when you are this cold you will agree to anything to speed things along.
This is the AGMPU Run of course so it is out with the old and in with the new. Only two changes of note.. MENTAL DISORDER takes over as Joint Master while his trouble and strife is appointed On-Site Records. Thanks one and all for all your previous and future hard work.
Raffle time and the weekly feature that ensures the PH3 makes an annual profit sees lucky winners this week BEETROOT HEAD, STOOL MOVER, SCAR W\2T’S, HELIUM HEAD, SQUEEZE MY TUBE and those two wittering Filipino bints I cannot stand who always seem to win..
A shivering EMPEROR AIRHEAD takes the circle to again ice the hares and discuss the days events.. As LBJ said “When their balls are frozen,their heats and minds follow”. WANK-KING’S W–NKER gets thrown in to get one of the the now famous AIRHEAD awards, this time of his own choice…. A huge mousetrap.
The protocol breaking GM, or GONE MAD, takes over to punish The Beer Hunters a.k.a., GKW, RSB, WKW & SPAG HEAD to warn them what fate rival GM‘s can expect who encroach on his territory… “Be still my beating heart..” Next up SFW, DEL BOY and BANANAS come in to fill up the time for a variety of misdemeanors.
SHEIK MEME takes over to ice TURD BURGLAR and SFW for last weeks fantastic and fabulous scribe in homage to the late great David Bowie. Rumour has it SFW had more input than TURD BURGLAR for the historical diatribe but whatever it was declared a success.
SCAR W\2T’S takes over to bash some people around the ring….. And not for the first time rumour has it.!!!.. This weeks victims are TURD BURGLAR and BANANAS.
NO MORE CUM back again to name the career diplomat Jeff Tucker….. BOB-A-GOB………… While your scribe is not a fan of overtly sexual names, surely something better than that lame excuse for a name could have been thought up while on his long bike rides with LONE WOLF…. How about TUCKER THE FUCKER?.. No?…. Oh Well at least could he ask the paying customers for their opinion?
SCARLET PIMPERNEL comes in to be renamed…. SCARLET PIMPERNEL…..! Enough! Already I am getting vexed….. not to say f—king cold.
New Joint Master MENTAL DISORDER brings SFW, HELIUM HEAD, GANGREEN and TURD BURGLAR to see who is the most sexy male hasher this year… HELIUM HEAD wins of course.
NO MORE CUM at last sticks to protocol for the Hares Song which was different and original making a change from ditties about knobs, tits and vaginas.
Hash Hymn strangled and it’s off to the Nicky’s Bar with I will trust in persona absentia was the usual hearty end to another PH3 day.
If I have forgotten anyone my apologies. Faces and Fannies I remember but names are for tombstones.
On-On! Sir Free Willy
Next week’s scribe is Burl Ives
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners This Week – 81
Hashers Present Last Week – 62
36 BAHT BUS GESTAPO; 541 BALL RINGER; 47 BANANAS; 38 BEETROOT HEAD; 333 BELL END; 71 BEN 10; 4 BOB-A-GOB; 57 BURL IVES; ; 8 CAMEL HUMPER; 51 CRAPPER; 39 DEL BOY; 84 DESERT SCORPION; 1338 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 137 FLYING FINN; 26 FUNNY BUNNY; 125 FUZZY LURE; 575 G.I. JOE; 232 GANGREEN; 723 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER; 42 GOLDEN RIVET; 105 HELIUM HEAD; 149 HONEY BEAR; 637 LADY FLIPPER; 27 LADY SNAKE; 283 LIBERACE; 384 LONE WOLF; 74 LOST CAUSE; 35 LOVE BOAT; 110 MENSTRUAL DISORDER; 130 MENTAL DISORDER; 54 MISS USE ME; 52 MR CHEAP; 688 MRS. HEAD; 180 NO MORE CUM; 14 ONE EYED TROUSER SNAKE; 99 PAPRIKA SMILEY; 315 PELER; 4 PENELOPE PITSTOP; 20 PHANTOM; 105 POCAHONTAS; 20 POCKET SOCKET; 33 POL DANCER; 3 RUMPLED FORESKIN; 128 RUNNING BARE; 225 SCAR W/2TS; 95 SCARLET PIMPERNEL; 198 SHEIK MEME; 629 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 659 SIR FREE WILLY; 659 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 824 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 216 SKIING FINN; 44 SLACK VAGINA; 110 SPECIAL PRICE; 391 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 171 STEPTOE; 461 TADPOLE; 191 TURD BURGLAR; 149 TWO TIME; 758 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 265 WANK-KING’S WANKER; 8 WINDOW WANKER
Returners – 13
95 ANAL CHEESE; 135 BENGT POTATO; 273 DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES; 153 GREYHOUND; 167 JACKAL; 56 JINGLE BALLS; 108 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 41 NA HEE MAN; 129 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 69 RASPUTIN; 144 RATSO-EEL-SNIFFER; 24 STOOL MOVER; 393 TAMPAX
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 5
2 Nang Kusumal – Bangkok Hash, Thailand
6 LEFT BEHIND – Chiang Mai Hash, Thailand
1 MARCUS SKIDDUS – Dublin Hash, Ireland
3 REDDICK – Puerto Galera Hash, Philippines
12 MANGO MUNCHER – Subic Bay Hash, Philippines
Virgins – 0
~ none this week ~
Leavers – 4
ONE EYED TROUSER SNAKE
Anniversaries – 0
~ none this week ~
Hash Name Events – 1
Jeff Tucker was given the New Hash Name BOB-A-GOB
Saints and Sinners – 1
BANANAS – Hash Crash – For going arse over tip on the trail.
~ none this week ~