Scribe Report by General Kidney Wiper
It is 7.00 a.m. on Tuesday morning and I am feeling good. (Still pissed).
I have to take the car to Honda, to fit four new tyres and at the same time, go next door to Bangkok–Pattaya Hospital, to have some blood tests. Cleaning out the car I discovered an empty Chang can and a carton of twenty four full bottles of Coca Cola. What the F@#k!
Finished at the hospital at 9:30AM. Last time I was charged 24,000 baht. This time 2,000 baht. Finished at Honda at 11:30AM. They quoted me 16,000 baht last week. Charged me 10,000 baht. So instead of expecting to fork out 40,000 baht, I ended up paying 12,000 baht.
Got back home at midday, having a coffee and thinking all is well with world when my euphoric balloon is burst. “How” you might ask? I suddenly saw some scribbles on a few pieces of PH3 scribe paper, lying on the table in front of me. I had completely forgotten I was Hash Scribe.
It was American Independence Day Run and the Hares were EMPEROR AIRHEAD, GI JOE, SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD, WANK-KING’S WANKER, NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER and LINEAR ACCELERATOR. Abundance of experience among these guys and a good A-Site, with shelter, just in case it rains.
LONE WOLF, who was acting GM started proceedings. This was followed by the Hares instructions and we were off, but not all in the same direction. I went off with the Beer Hunters, led by that intrepid hero SIR SPAG HEAD. Normally he has the doggedness of a dehydrated blood-hound and the accuracy of a ping–pong Patpong go-go girl, but alas, that sixth sense was out of whack. We found two bush bars, but neither was open. Unfortunately, Changs and Leo’s loss was not as great as ours.
We were like the kiddies football team that just had our ball taken away from us by the park bullies. There was nothing left to do, but head back to the A-Site. En route, we encountered WANK-KING’S WANKER, coming in the opposite direction. He also looked crest-fallen and also had his ball taken away from him. We toddled into the A-Site and as expected, found that no runners were back yet. No runners! No beer!
We killed time watching NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER and MRS HEAD preparing the freebie hot dogs. We also discussed the Greek economy recovering, Andy Murray being British or Scottish after his next Wimbledon match and what were the chances of a Front Running Bastard arriving in, in under an hour. All were outside chances.
First in was VV, but he admitted he had short cut. No beer yet!
Next in were SHIT ON MY SHIRT, MISUSE ME, HAWKEYE, LOST CAUSE and MASTER CHEF. The problem was, they came by baht bus. Still no beer!
It was apparent that certain individuals were starting to get stressed out and were seen to be straining their aged eyeballs in search of a runner, as they scanned the track in all directions leading to the A-Site. After an hour, WANK-KING’S WANKER, who was definitely looking the worse for wear, relented and said “The beer truck was open.” SRSB was like a greyhound out of trap #2 and I am sure if they ever substituted the bunny in greyhound racing with a bottle of Chang, he would be up there with Usain Bolt.
Not long after this WILD WOLF was the first runner in.
I am a great fan of The Dog Whisperer, on National Geographic TV. He seems to manage the impossible by correction and reward. SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD has never been a Scribe, so I thought I would employ the same tactics, used on these wayward dogs, by The Dog Whisperer, on him. First of all I gave him the scribe board to hold. He was a little twitchy at first, which is to be expected, but once he did not look too stressed out holding it, I then gave him a Chang beer as a reward. We will see in future if this worked or not.
ANAL BREADFRUIT was looking for ideas for places to take his daughters to, while they are here on holiday. I suggested the cinema at Pattaya Central. It has all that fancy stuff with surround sound and motion seats etc., WEE MOANING WEASEL, sick bastard, wanted to know if they vibrated during sex scenes. I told him I now knew why his misses f@#cked off!
The Hares had laid on hot-dogs for today’s run. Unfortunately, by the time I was hungry, there were none left. I asked ANAL BREADFRUIT how many he had. He said 5, but someone said he had 6. SRSB said he had 1.5. Liar, seemingly he can only manage half of one. WEE MOANING WEASEL was still sulking and wouldn’t tell me how many he had.
I asked PUSSY F@#CKER about the run. He said it was good, but there were a lot of low branches and water, which made it favourable for Hobbit New Zealanders or American Navy Seals.
After a decent cooling down period, LONE WOLF called the circle to order. A couple of good jokes to kick off the proceedings. One from him, then from 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE.
SIR FREE WILLY then in for the Raffle. Plenty of American booze, but there was something better. Ticket 17808 SQUEEZE MY TUBE was the winner, but I reckon the real winner was GI JOE, as she chose a sequined G-string with bra. I guess GI Joe was going to have his own Impendence Day firework display, later that night.
Then the RA, EMPEROR AIRHEAD called the Hares in and it was deemed “a good run.” Next on ice, were the Beer Hunters. Joining them this week was 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE, so even though he has lost a lot of weight, the ice was a bit more crowded than usual.
WANK-KING’S WANKER then took over the circle to give out awards.
ANAL BREADFRUIT – 250 Runs
NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER – 100 Run Shirt
GANGREEN – 200 Run Shirt
Well done all.
LONE WOLF then iced all the cripples, the old and the lazy, for sitting on chairs. I think these were VV, 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE, SHIT ON MY SHIRT, MENTAL DISORDER and SIR FREE WILLY. Figure out “who was what?”
It was finally time for the Hare’s Song and EMPEROR AIRHEAD took down from the shelf and dusted his old favourite, “My One-Eyed Trouser Snake.” The other Hares did a great job dancing around.
I know a lot more happened, but as usual, that Alka-Seltzer’s Disease has taken its toll. The hieroglyphics of my notes are the usual undecipherable rubbish, which at the time make good sense, but next day bunkum.
Hash Hymn, then all aboard the baht buses for town. Thanks M-Club for giving us another Happy Hour. I did not make it, but I am sure, as usual, you looked after us well.
Another great hash. Just wished more had been there to appreciate the effort.
ON-ON ! General Kidney Wiper
Now about all this coke I found in the car. I guess I have to take up drinking gin again!!! Oh! Also the results of my blood test. I am definitely Scottish, as you can see, as I devoted so much of this Hash Sheet to discuss money.
Next week’s scribe is to be announced.
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners This Week – 48
Hashers Present Last Week – 34
250 ANAL BREADFRUIT; 514 BALL RINGER; 30 BIGGUS DICKUS; 34 BURL IVES; 212 DOG LICKS ITS DICK; 1314 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 548 G.I. JOE; 205 GANGREEN; 696 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER; 25 HAWKEYE; 97 HULK; 610 LADY FLIPPER; 254 LIBERACE; 92 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 48 LOST CAUSE; 29 MASTER CHEF; 93 MENSTRUAL DISORDER; 113 MENTAL DISORDER; 33 MISUSE ME; 662 MRS. HEAD; 102 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 290 PELER; 40 PISSED AS A RAT; 72 PUSSY FUCKER; 630 SIR FREE WILLY; 630 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 798 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 24 SLACK VAGINA; 24 SLIPPERY SAM; 365 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 58 SUZY WONG; 735 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 236 WANK-KING’S WANKER; 102 WEE MOANING WEASEL
Returners – 10
41 Will Finch; 10 Mikki Finch; 2 John Gormley; 207 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE; 47 CRIMSON PENIS; 7 FUNNY BUNNY; 367 LONE WOLF; 99 SCOOBIE DOO; 28 SHIT ON MY SHIRT; 189 TRY-A-FUCK
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 3
5 CRAFTY DOG WITH MUSTARD – San Diego Hash, USA
5 MR POTATO HEAD – South of Perth Hash, Australia
1 WILD WOLF – Subic Bay Hash, Philippines
Virgins – 1
Leavers – 1
Anniversaries – 3
ANAL BREADFRUIT was congratulated for completing his 250th Run
GANGREEN was awarded his 200th Run T-Shirt
NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER was awarded his 100th Run T-Shirt
Hash Name Events – 1
LICK MY BALLS had his Hash Name changed to CRAFTY DOG WITH MUSTARD
Saints and Sinners – 0
~ none this week ~
~ none this week ~