Scribe Report by General Kidney Wiper
First of all, Happy Christmas to everybody.
“The price of a bottle of gin!
“What is that?” you say. Well, that is what I am getting paid to write this hash sheet. Now if I could write three a week, I would break even on the Juniper Berry Beverage consumption.
The A-Site was out on Highway 331, just far enough off the road for the privacy we need at this time of year, as locals kind of get curious and carried away when they see our beer truck.
SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT, VV, and WANK-KING’S WANKER were this week’s hares, who informed us there was other paper out there and also some checks in red. These we were to ignore and we were told to only to follow the ones that were painted in yellow and pansy pink.
If the walkers turned back after the second check, it would be a thirty minute walk. If they turned back after the third check, it would be a forty five minute walk. But, if they passed the third check, beware, it would be two hours. Well, being colour blind, I decided just to stay at the A-Site.
Seems I was not the only one who is colour blind, as I was soon joined by SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD, SIR RSB, SIR MC, 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE and LITTLE TOMMY 2 LIPS. Luck would have it that for some discernible reason, we had brought along copious amounts of the amber nectar to sustain us until the Front Runners arrived. During this time, we solved the problems of the world, discussing the collapse of the Rouble, how to cook a haggis and the attributes of number 24 at The Linda Bar.
After about forty minutes the runners and walkers started arriving and were greeted by SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT who was handing out his excellent elixir called German Glühwein. (Glühwein is usually prepared from red wine, heated and spiced with cinnamon sticks, cloves, star aniseed, citrus, sugar and at times vanilla pods. It is sometimes drunk mit Schuss (with a shot), which means that rum or some other liquor has been added. Fruit wines, such as blueberry wine and cherry wine, are occasionally used instead of grape wine in some parts of Germany.) Cannot wait for next Christmas!
Shortly after this VV, who had been busy on his BBQ, informed us all, that food was ready. I do not think I have ever eaten food on the hash, as I like to leave stomach space just for drinking, but this time I could not resist the aroma of his sizzling sausages. They were really great, as the returning queues for seconds, obviously attested to this.
After a short cooling down period, our GM SCAR W/2 TS got the circle underway. That Jack of all trades SIR BP started the Raffle. The first winner was LIBERACE whose enthusiasm was akin to winning the National Lottery. Others were KIDNEY BEAN, SQUEEZE MY TUBE, LINEAR ACCELERATOR, SIR FREE WILLY and HULK. One prize was not claimed, so if you still have ticket number 09569 you might still be in luck.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD then iced the Hares. It was deemed a good run by all. What else could it be after that great German Glühwein and those sumptuous sausages?
Next in and receiving ten B52s from the TQ were Santa’s helpers, EWOK, TADPOLE and OLIVE OIL. More were requested, but I think that was going to be open to negotiations.
LONE WOLF was then asked to take a seat on the ice for some bareback buttock browsing. A newspaper was passed around depicting a picture of him, saying he is out on bail, but is being watched.
WANK-KING’S WANKER then dealt with returners, leavers, virgins and other miscreants. Achievers were as follows:-
SIR FREE WILLY, LADY FLIPPER – 40 and 30 Hared Runs.
FRIAR FUDGE, MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS I’M GAY – 50 Runs.
NO MORE CUM – 150 Runs.
LINEAR ACCELERATOR – 5 Hared Runs Hat.
Well done to you all.
Then Santa and his helpers EWOK, TADPOLE and OLIVE OIL arrived and gave out presents to all and sundry. Some of us must have been bad, as once again we got passed by. Maybe next year.
LITTLE TOMMY 2 LIPS, who appeared to be unconscious, was carried into the circle and put into the ice bucket, to revive him. This seemed to work, as he started talking about the Accrington Hash and The Ferret Run which is coming up on the 4th.January.
SIR MC was iced with the Hares. Seems he was trying to speak German. Usually, when you sit on ice, you talk in tongues. There has been much said in the media in the last week about how Thailand was involved with CIA detention centres and how they used water boarding. Which of course Thailand denied. If only those guys from the CIA had come on the Pattaya Hash. They would soon have stopped using “water boarding” and instead have used the “ice bucket!” That way you can get a canary to sing any song you want and not catch any flack off the do-gooders.
SHEIK MEME then iced FLYING FINN who was sitting down, but is not allowed too, as he has not yet achieved the accolade of 500 runs, which would allow him this seated concession.
SCAR WITH 2 TS then took over the circle again, but it is at this juncture in time that FLYING FINN gave me some more of his inebriating concoction, and I start to have trouble trying to discern my notes. (“ Hyvää joulua”).
BEETROOT HEAD iced as he has a flagellation fetish. We do not know if he is the Whipper or the Whipped. Or maybe he just likes to wave flags around enthusiastically (Flag elation, get it!!).
Years ago, we had one female hasher whose hash name was WHIPPER. She was the girlfriend of PAPA WHISKY. PAPA WHISKY stands for the letters PW in the NATO Phonetic alphabet and means PUSSY WHIPPED. It just shows you how clever some of these hash names are.
NO MORE CUM then takes over the circle and ices SUSIE WONG, SCAR WITH 2 TS and FLYING FINN. I cannot remember why, but I am sure they deserved it. Then again, they probably did nothing. “Som Na Na!!” SIR MC, EWOK, TADPOLE and OLIVE OIL iced as they had been away for so long, they had forgotten what sitting on the ice was like.
Time for the Hare’s Song. VV, SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT and WANK-KING’S WANKER chose to have some bonding time on the ice while, once again, HONEY BEAR serenaded us in her dulcet tones. Well done.
I know a lot more happened, but as usual, that Alka-Seltzer’s Disease has taken its toll.
Hash Hymn, then all aboard the baht buses for town.
Thanks Smiling Rat for giving us another Happy Hour. I did not make it, but I am sure, as usual, you looked after us well.
Yes! We were all winners this night, thanks to Santa and his helpers, The Pattaya Hash Mismanagement, The Hares, and last but not least, all you Hashers who turned up.
P.S. “Hyvää joulua” means Happy Christmas in Finnish! But you need to drink FLYING FINN’s hooch to understand it.
ON-ON ! General Kidney Wiper
Next week’s scribe is Knob Marley
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners This Week – 87
Hashers Present Last Week – 63
2 Lallo Didier; 7 Harald Malthe; 491 BALL RINGER; 311 BELL END; 49 BEN 10; 5 BLUE SKY; 196 CHEAP NORGY CUNT; 237 DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES 1287 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 122 FLYING FINN; 523 G.I. JOE; 184 GANGREEN; 668 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER 127 HONEY BEAR; 86 HULK; 32 IM LAO; 30 JINGLE BALLS; 296 KARAMBA; 112 KNOB MARLEY; 582 LADY FLIPPER; 66 LADY GAGA 226 LIBERACE; 81 LITTLE TOMMY TWO LIPS; 65 LITTLE WHITE DOVE; 348 LONE WOLF 24 LOST CAUSE; 12 LOVE BOAT; 141 MARATHON MAN; 16 MASTER CHEF; 635 MRS. HEAD; 51 MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS I’M GAY; 81 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 150 NO MORE CUM; 353 ODD-JOB; 72 PAPRIKA SMILEY; 15 PAROU PAROU; 266 PELER; 137 PINKABOO; 70 POCAHONTAS; 59 RASPUTIN; 219 REAR GUNNER; 171 ROBBING BASTARD; 84 RUNNING BARE; 193 SCAR WITH TWO T’S; 166 SHEIK MEME; 16 SHIT ON MY SHIRT; 593 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 587 SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT; 602 SIR FREE WILLY; 568 SIR MC 611 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 772 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 206 SKIING FINN; 343 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 147 STEPTOE; 308 STINKY SLOPPY SECONDS; 9 STOOL MOVER; 313 SWEETIE; 382 TAMPAX; 178 TRY-A-FUCK; 317 VELCRO DICK; 707 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 209 WANK-KING’S WANKER
Returners – 18
3 Ryan Harkins; 2 Dah Sappaso; 3 Jan Wallace; 192 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE; 21 BEETROOT HEAD; 489 EWOK; 51 FRIAR FUDGE; 10 GOLDEN RIVET; 129 KIDNEY BEAN; 73 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 83 MUD CRACKER; 30 MUD’S CRACKER; 37 OLIVE OIL; 13 RUNNING DEER; 42 SPANKINSTEIN; 48 SUZY WONG; 436 TADPOLE; 162 UP THE BUTT
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 3
13 GAS MAN – Chiang Mai Hash, Thailand
1 Ida Malthe – Pattaya Jungle Hash, Thailand
1 Id Puncharoen – Pattaya Jungle Hash, Thailand
Virgins – 3
Leavers – 0
~ none this week ~
Anniversaries – 7
SIR FREE WILLY was awarded his 40 Hares T-Shirt
LADY FLIPPER was awarded her 30 Hares T-Shirt
LINEAR ACCELERATOR was awarded his 5 Hares Hat
WANK-KING’S WANKER was congatulated for his 5th Hared Run
NO MORE CUM was congratulated for completing his 150th Run
FRIAR FUDGE was awarded his 50th Run Mug
MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS I’M GAY was awarded his 50th Run Mug
Hash Name Events – 0
~ none this week ~
Sinners – 0
~ none this week ~
REAR GUNNER – 23rd Dec
FLYING FINN – 24th Dec
RASPUTIN – 26th Dec