Scribe Report by Robbing Bastard
The Hash can always produce an unexpected surprise and this day was no exception. I have always been keen to promote a thirst for knowledge among hashers (see for example my scribe for the 2013 Oktoberfest) and only last week had welcomed the opportunity to enlighten KAMOY KATOY about the significance of my home town of Hastings and the date 1066 in the history of England. On this occasion on mounting the baht bus I was greeted by an unshaven KAMOY KATOY (he had obviously been up all night doing the research) who was delighted to inform me that he had since discovered that the literary character Little Lord Fauntleroy had been educated in Hastings! I found it most touching to discover how the small pebble I tossed into this man’s cultural lake can send out such significant ripples and will await his return to Pattaya next year to see further evidence of his intellectual growth.
I had my Scribe’s paper and pen at the ready the next installment of DEL BOY’s sexual development (recounted on Sunday in another place) but unfortunately DEL BOY unlike your humble servant was unwilling to add to the breadth of human understanding. STEPTOE (grateful pupil and recipient of this man’s special gloves) was, I think , most disappointed. Anyone not understanding this reference should enquire of DEL BOY – old beyond his years.
BEETROOT HEAD has made a very welcome return to the Hash. Reading between the lines he has been in Pattaya for a not inconsiderable time but has not graced us with his presence as he has been consolidating his relationship with a very lovely girlfriend, Dah, by consuming vast quantities of vodka at various pool sides. As he generously passed the care of said girlfriend (when on the run) to FLYING FINN and your self-effacing Scribe I mention BH’s absence only in passing as I am hoping he will continue to make such amends to us all (and me in particular) by bringing Dah on forthcoming hashes.
That brings me to the opening circle when we all drank to Dah’s forthcoming loss of virginity GM SCAR W/ 2T’S for reason’s entirely unconnected with his own footwear overlooked the celebration of her new shoes. Our diligent Hares TRY-A-FUCK and STOOL MOVER (whose name is yet another reminder that a significant number of our crowd need to progress beyond Freud’s anal stage of development – other mature hashers and potential spreaders of culture please note) then sent us on our way with the threat of checks and back checks but no water (liars!!) as well as a shortened route for the walkers.
Knowing T-A-F well I was able to assure FLYING FINN that it would be safe to do the full run. It might well be demanding but we should be able to finish in the light (which we did). That was the sort of thing to which our experienced Hare paid attention.
FF and I set off with our charge most anxious to impress on her that men of a certain age (or more) still had something to offer. Alas this was not to be. After around 800m we saw three different trails but no sign of a check. We stumbled on with well over a dozen other lost hashers hitting at least two well-marked false trails but no checks before reaching the walker/runner split. I have no hesitation in accepting the hares’ explanation that front runners (names unknown) had failed to do the back checks properly. G I JOE was apparently a witness to this dastardly failure in hash etiquette. That later checks were broken very professionally adds credence to this explanation. By now the damage had been done. The main runners were out of both sight and earshot and Dah clearly unimpressed by her two mentors elected to leave us and join the main group of tail-enders on the short route to the A-Site.
This left FLYING FINN, NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER, ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA and your conscientious Scribe to continue with the run which we did in good spirit. You may wish to note that during this time NNR explained he was not a front runner as he was saving himself for encounters with various young ladies (one at time) and ANFI promised to invite all hashers to a flat warming in his newly acquired condo.
We returned in good time for the raffle. First winner SIR FREE WILLY generously elected not to take the star prize of DVDs and other winners were, I think, the EMPEROR, SQUEEZE MY TUBE, STEPTOE, WANK-KING’S WANKER, POLE FUCKER, LONE WOLF, IM LAO and MASTER CHEF.
Our Hares were iced but unanimously accorded for a good run, and DEL BOY followed them for yet more revelations about his past. Again in my desire to raise the tone of this hash I choose not to recount the details except to say that this time the need for gloves was not mentioned and that according to DEL BOY the charges against him were not true, or if they were true happened to some other person who was both very young and very drunk (obviously not DEL BOY then) and in any case what was said should not be repeated in print.
The awards included ANFI for 150 runs and SIR FREE WILLY for a massive 600 runs (or sign-ups one over pedantic member observed). NO MORE CUM (claiming to be a sober teetotaler) iced SCAR for his contribution to last week’s enjoyable evening drinking at the MISS LANGSOM On-On bar when everyone got drunk followed by a trip to a karaoke when DEL BOY (also iced) sang and talked only in Thai. PAPRIKA SMILEY was subsequently recognised for representing us in many international hashes.
BEETROOT HEAD, a Cheap Charlie by any count, was iced by SCAR for lending his diminutive virgin a shirt that fitted her well. To everyone’s disbelief he claimed that this shirt was in fact on old one that had been worn by him and was not recycled from a previous encounter. ANFI and CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW LEGS (aka W-KW) were iced for being the Laurel and Hardy of the engineering profession (“That’s another fine mess you got me into Wanker.”)
Now comes a very special mention. HONEY BEAR sang an original Hare song very melodiously which was beautifully supplemented by a lady dancer bearing a close resemblance to MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS I’M GAY. Egged on by an appreciative audience, more than a little mud got splashed on a less appreciative T-A-F while sitting on the ice, for not singing the song himself. I fear I have been removed from T-A-F’s Christmas card list for standing up for this talented dancer.
The evening closed with the Hash Hymn and excellent food at Jameson’s our On On Bar for the night.
ON-ON ! Robbing Bastard
Next week’s scribe is StoolMover
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners This Week – 62
Hashers Present Last Week – 42
150 ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA; 489 BALL RINGER; 309 BELL END 47 BEN 10; 11 BURL IVES; 47 CHEESE DICK; 122 COO COO COP; 15 DEL BOY; 1285 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 120 FLYING FINN; 182 GANGREEN; 666 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER; 125 HONEY BEAR; 28 JINGLE BALLS 31 KAMOY KATOY; 580 LADY FLIPPER; 64 LADY GAGA; 224 LIBERACE; 346 LONE WOLF; 22 LOST CAUSE; 139 MARATHON MAN; 14 MASTER CHEF; 10 MISUSE ME; 79 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 148 NO MORE CUM; 351 ODD-JOB; 70 PAPRIKA SMILEY; 264 PELER; 82 RUNNING BARE; 191 SCAR WITH TWO T’S; 14 SHIT ON MY SHIRT; 585 SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT; 600 SIR FREE WILLY; 609 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 145 STEPTOE; 7 STOOL MOVER; 311 SWEETIE; 380 TAMPAX 176 TRY-A-FUCK; 315 VELCRO DICK 705 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 207 WANK-KING’S WANKER
Returners – 16
9 Hans Boye; 3 Pin Wildman; 20 BEETROOT HEAD; 194 CHEAP NORGY CUNT; 317 FUCK THE TRUTH; 521 G.I. JOE; 30 IM LAO; 633 MRS. HEAD; 49 MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS I’M GAY[ 82 RABBIT SHOOTER; 57 RASPUTIN; 169 ROBBING BASTARD; 591 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 770 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 341 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 192 TOM BOY
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 3
14 POLE FUCKER – Harare, Zimbabwe
11 HANDYMAN – Ludvika Hash, Sweden
19 SLAB – Port Moresby Hash, Papua New Guinea
Virgins – 1
Leavers – 2
COO COO COP
Anniversaries – 2
SIR FREE WILLY was congratulated on completing his 600th Run
ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA was congratulated on completing his 150th Run
Hash Name Events – 0
~ none this week ~
Sinners – 0
~ none this week ~
MRS. HEAD – 18th Dec