Scribe Report by General Kidney Wiper
“I would like to take this opportunity to thank my parents, God and SIR FREE WILLY.” Oh! I am mistaken. This is not the Oscars, but the nomination for the Hash Sheet Sscribe. Being in Kurdistan last week I had two bodyguards and two mine clearers flanking me. Little did I realise that I should have brought them here to help me navigate through the potential minefield and the political intricacies of the Pattaya Hash.
F**K Off, just kidding.
“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile—hoping it will eat him last.” – Winston Churchill
HONEY BEAR and CRAPPER were this weeks’ hares, who informed us it was a short run, with just one trail for walkers and runners. Taking them at their word nearly everyone ventured out on the trail. I shot the shit with FOWL FUCKER, ET and TADPOLE. One hour later we were still nowhere near the A-Site and realized the hares were full of shit. Our frustration was clearly compounded when we came across a piece of wood painted white and no more paper. Someone figured this was a back check and sure enough it was. This led over a gorge, which I was not too keen to cross, but after TADPOLE shamed me / offered to help me cross it (which I declined) there was no going back.
Now two points of note here:
I have been telling everyone, not least of all TADPOLE how fit I am, walking fourteen kilometres each day through the mountains of Kurdistan. I guess I failed.
The other thing was ET kept asking where TADPOLE was. “Why”, I asked. He said, “I want to beat her in.” Dream on ET.
KEE MAH thought he knew the area, as did I, as we both had set runs here, but we did not. If only we had gone by LINEAR ACCELERATOR’s GPS. Anyway, we eventually made it back in one and a half hours. We were the lucky ones, as it was still daylight. More would arrive later. BALL RINGER would be Hash Hero and bring back some stragglers after two hours.
After we cooled down, and some lucky ones had V.V.’s sandwiches, our GM, WANK-KING’S WANKER got proceedings underway. First was a minutes silence and toast to our lately departed and much loved UNCLE PERVY. A true icon of the Pattaya Hash House Harriers and one of the longest attending members. We will always remember how he held sway on the tailgate of his truck, dishing out copious amounts of home brew as we sat comfortably in the chairs he always brought along. I think we solved every problem of the world, and some, sitting there. It was also great to see his brother GOLDEN DILDO (and his daughter Laura Lee) managed to make it to the hash this Monday.
Then it was time for GI JOE to take the Raffle. Who should win first prize but SQUEEZE MY TUBE. FIX!! No way. Second prize. Yes, SQUEEZE MY TUBE. I think those new intellectual glasses she now wears, let her see the winners. Anyway, GI JOE read the crowd well and would not her lift a second prize, much to her chagrin. Also he made her take a seat on the ice. He also took control of the situation and iced SIR SPAG, BB and FESTERING STREAKER for Kay-Yakking (get it?) No! Never mind.
BB then took charge as RA. I did hear him say earlier, as were wandering around in the wilderness, wondering, when will we find On In, that he was going to “make those hares suffer on the ice” and he sure did. Twenty verses of “The Hair on her Dicky dido” sure did the trick.
WHOREDINI, who told me earlier he was going to behave and stay out the bucket, ended up where he was sure he wouldn’t. At least he kept his passport dry this week. GANGREEN and ET were in for something to do with lost property. As this was at the beginning of proceedings and I cannot remember things too well, imagine my difficulty at the end.
Having ice power, your Scribe was able to bring in a few of his favourites. TAMPAX and SIR FREE WILLY, created a miniature tsunami in the ice bucket together. Registering 10.1 on the Richter Scale.
Whereas food aid is being distributed all over the world to the needy and the destitute, I bet you did not know that there is one recipient who has his own network of donators and sponsors. SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD. He was iced along with the good guys, TURD BURGLAR and STEPTOE. Even on the ice, SIR RSB would not divulge how much cheese, tea bags and that big black pudding (yes girls, that thing that looks like a big black dick) he had just received. It had to be suitably substantial because of the shit eating grin he had on his face.
I think he is stocking up before the referendum on Scottish Independence next week, as he is worried his pension might be paid in Scottish pound notes.
LONE WOLF and LINEAR ACCELERATOR were recognized for the good work they did the day before at The Jesters Care for Kids.
WANK-KING’S WANKER then dealt with returners, leavers, virgins and other miscreants.
Then it was SIR RSB’s turn to have the circle. They say “Hell has no fury, like a woman scorned.” Oh yea? What about one pissed off cantankerous, unkilted Scotsman? Payback is a bitch.
I think the macabre metamorphosis of this anthropoid from docile pupae to voracious carnivore happened here, when he discovered there was no more Chang Beer. How SWEETIE escaped not being belligerently berated I do not know. So I was on the ice with TURD BURGLAR, SIR FREE WILLY and several others. One person of note who always seems to bare the brunt of SRSB’s terrifying tirades is BALL RINGER, who was named “Arse of Honour.” Somehow it does seem to hold a candle to “Rear of the Year!” I am sure everybody remembers that Latvian Lass.
Time for the Hare’s Song and once again HONEY BEAR serenaded us in her dulcet tones, ably assisted by TAMPAX on the music stand.
CABBAGE HEAD gave out some down downs and iced ¼ POUNDER W/CHEESE, LINEAR ACCELERATOR, WHOREDINI and then himself. Soon the beer was finished. Nearly everyone had been on the ice and it was time to wind things up.
After some difficulty in locating the forward drive gear in my car, GOLDEN DIDO, Laura Lee, ¼ POUNDER WITH CHEESE and SRSB and I made it away from the A-Site. I did check the boot of my car today, but of course, no cheese left behind.
Thanks TQ for giving us another Happy Hour (I think you are not allowed to mention Happy Hour now, according to the National Council for Peace and Order’s new regulations).
Anyway, another great hashing day. I do not think I have ever seen such a large circle, where nearly everybody ended up on the ice at one time or another.
UNCLE PERVY would have been proud of us!!!
ON- ON ! General Kidney Wiper
Next week’s scribe is E. T. – the man whose hair has seen more changes than we have had Thai military coups.
—– STATS REPORT —–
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners this week – 59
Hashers Present Last Week – 43
2 Steven Abbott; 6 Russ Blohm; 189 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE; 92 B. B.; 477 BALL RINGER; 299 BELL END; 37 BEN 10; 194 CABBAGE HEAD; 303 CABBAGE QUEEN; 231 CRACK MY COCCYX; 20 CRAPPER; 265 EMPTY SPERMBANK; 324 EXTRA TESTICLE; 509 G.I. JOE; 169 GANGREEN; 653 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER; 47 GOLDEN WATERFALL; 121 HONEY BEAR; 187 KEE MAH; 568 LADY FLIPPER; 60 LADY GAGA; 211 LIBERACE; 62 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 336 LONE WOLF; 11 LOST CAUSE; 127 MARATHON MAN; 621 MRS. HEAD; 275 PIG PUSHER SWINE STABBER; 80 SCARLET; 582 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 588 SIR FREE WILLY; 596 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 758 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 329 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 296 STINKY SLOPPY SECONDS; 298 SWEETIE; 431 TADPOLE; 369 TAMPAX; 285 TREE FROG; 172 TRY-A-FUCK; 692 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 195 WANK-KING’S WANKER; 9 WHOREDINI
Returners – 12
6 Darren Graham; 41 COW FISTER; 342 FESTERING STREAKER; 389 FOWL FUCKER; 63 GOLDEN DILDO; 523 LADY BOW WOW; 259 PELER; 174 SEAL SUCKER; 431 SNOOPY; 132 STEPTOE; 163 TURD BURGLAR; 49 VASELINE THIGHS
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 1
7 OUT OF ORDER – Phoenix Hash, Arizona
Virgins – 3
Laura Lee Hives
Leavers – 1
Anniversaries – 0
~ none this week ~
Hash Names – 0 Event
~ none this week ~
Sinners – 0 Events
~ but you know it’s just a matter of time ~
Birthdays – 0
~ none this week ~