Scribe Report by Gangreen
PH3 Run #1590 – Lady Flippers’ Birthday
Back in the old days when I actually had a job, Mondays were probably the most unloved day of the week. Having survived the weekend and the prospect of having to face another 40 hours of indentured servitude was not exactly what I wanted in life. But in Pattaya, Monday is another great day to be alive as it’s the weekly PH3 Hash House Harriers run day and best of all we are celebrating LADY FLIPPER‘s birthday as well. You never know what FREE WILLY and LADY FLIPPER have in mind for one of their runs but you are always guaranteed to have a great time and run #1590 was no exception.
Now I can take the easy way out writing this scribe report as SHIT MY PANTS did last week and talk about my bowel movements while using Roget’s Thesaurus to find the varied ways of using another slang word for ‘excrement’ in a sentence and describe unashamedly how I was caught in a ‘provocative squat’ by a bunch of off-roaders whilst ‘letting the turtle loose’ but that’s not what a scribe report should be about. Now we all know that ‘shit happens’ on a Hash run and in the circle later but I do believe that SHIT MY PANTS lost the plot on this one. He probably asked CABBAGE HEAD how to write a scribe report and CABBAGE HEAD stated ‘just write about all the shit that goes on during the run’ and that’s what he did in full technicolour. No wonder he couldn’t face us Hashers for today’s run and ran back to England probably dragging some toilet paper stuck on his shoes. I really thought that SHIT MY PANTS was on today’s run as the A-Site was littered with all forms of ‘cow/horse patties’ that were scattered around but I was wrong.
As the low tourist season is still upon us, we only had 48 runners show up for today’s craptacular event. When I woke up in the morning, the sky was overcast and had the promise of some rain which also probably deterred some of the ‘fair weather’ hashers from showing up but not to worry as we filled up two baht buses for the long drive out to the ‘A’ site. And what a terrific, scenic ‘A’ site it was. A well shaded venue with a scenic view of some lakes and forested areas. Now this place has been used many times in the past for various Hash House runs but SIR FREE WILLY and LADY FLIPPER managed to squeeze one more run out of this location. Thank you very much for your efforts and generosity.
Now I don’t know if you fellow Hashers were aware of this, but I suffer from a very rare form of a disease Hashus Agoraphobiawhich is the fear of leaving the ‘A’ site. Don’t worry, it’s not contagious but the symptoms usually show themselves in fat old bastards who you can usually see lounging around any Hash House event. So sadly, just as I was leading the pack out on the trail (calling “on on” of course) and looking forward to being the first runner back to the beer truck to reward my fellow Hashers, a recurrence of this debilitating disease came upon me. I was getting all sweaty and had shortness of breath so I thought that I should ease up so that I could focus on my scribing duties that were to be required of me that evening. Luckily I had some of my special medicine with me which helped in easing my anxiety.
Upon my return trip to the A-Site, I happened upon REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD sitting forlornly holding a large bottle of Chang beer which he had purchased just down the road for the outrageous price of 50 baht. Now he wasn’t looking forlorn because I was approaching him to chat, he was sad because most of the bottle had already been consumed and since I wasn’t leading the pack anymore, he was getting all tensed up knowing that the first runner wouldn’t be back for a long time to come. As I casually mentioned to RSB that if you ask nicely, maybe SIR FREE WILLY will pour you a glass or two of that gin or vodka that Willy had so generously provided, you should have seen that little guy take off…..don’t think that Usain Bolt could have covered that 100 yard distance in a shorter time or with as much enthusiasm.
As previously mentioned, due to the condition my condition was in, there won’t be much of a report about the actual run. The general consensus by everybody was that it was a good run except for the lack of paper in a lot of places which probably explains why runners were arriving from many different directions and at wildly different times. But when you did return, you were treated to some delicious snacks, doughnuts, gin, vodka, scotch whiskey, red wine, two styles of caviar (both red and black) and sundry other edibles. For me the caviar was the first and last tasting but come on!!!…..what other Hash House outside of Moscow serves caviar on their runs?
Now I don’t know if you fellow Hashers were aware of this, but I suffer from a very rare form of the disease Hashus Phronephobia which is the fear of thinking clearly, a too common condition amongst Hashers all over the world. And sadly this affliction again overcame me whilst I was writing my scribe notes which is going to be reflected in the rest of this scribe report. As I was perusing said notes prior to the writing of this soon to be forgotten piece of crap, I said to myself “What the f*ck were you thinking last night?” and then I realized that I couldn’t think so this is what you get so far and as a warning, it does get worse.
Now I don’t know if you fellow Hashers were aware of this, but I also suffer from a very rare form of a disease Hashus Pinaciphobia (Katastichophobia) which is the fear of lists but in order to cram some of the highlights of Run #1590 into this report, it’s best I overcome my fears and the crappy job I did of jotting down notes in preparation of this report…..here goes:
- Happy Birthdays to LADY FLIPPER, B.B. and LIBERACE
- Beer Police: B.B. & I’M A F*CKING CUPCAKE
- Car Sign Up Jockeys: LIBERACE & BALL RINGER who had the appearance of drug dealers sitting in their car with a lineup of really shady looking characters hanging around their windows and passing in money.
- Raffle prizes were all won by the ladies but the raffle itself was superbly handled by the World’s Greatest Brewmaster: SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT who just happens to be the Worlds’ Greatest Brewmaster and if you don’t believe me, just ask him or you can ask SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT as well.
- Bad Timing Award: TADPOLE for showing up late at the A-Site late and then later in the circle, trying to give LADY FLIPPER her flaming birthday cake while LADY FLIPPER was still sitting on the ice holding her down-down.
- First RA: SHEIK MEME who just about iced everybody who was in the circle and if we were in a graveyard would probably have dug up some more victims. Our Meme didn’t spare the rod with anyone and was especially firm with the too many people who constantly yak yak during the circle. Anyways, I thought that you were just fabulous!!!!!
- Second RA: CABBAGE HEAD was at a total loss for a while as his favourite stooge SHIT MY PANTS wasn’t there to berate but he quickly got his second wind and followed Meme’s example and just about iced everybody who was still left in the circle. Anyways, I thought that you were just fabulous!!!!!
- I really don’t know if something else happened around this time but what I do know now is that you just can’t drink yourself sober as the old wives tale says.. especially if it’s the gin that SIR FREE WILLY freely provided and one of the side effects could be that you end up sitting in SHEIK MEME’s lap…you have been warned.
When you first come out to a Hash run, you either ‘get it’ or you don’t and never return. But for the people who do ‘get it’, you are treated to special days like today was. No rain, terrific scenic location, great food and snacks, and more importantly having too many laughs with some of the best people you will ever meet. Thanks to SIR FREE WILLY and LADY FLIPPER for giving us such a great day and to all the other people who make this one of the world’s best Hashes!!!! Looking forward to the next run.
Now I don’t know if you fellow Hashers were aware of this, but I suffer from a very rare disease Hashus Floccinaucinihilipilification which is the fear of things ending quickly. I don’t know how is started but I think it happened when
ON- ON ! Gangreen
Next week’s scribe is Sheik Meme
—– STATS REPORT —–
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners this week – 48
Hashers Present Last Week – 35
4 Russ Blohm; 90 B. B.; 475 BALL RINGER; 297 BELL END; 35 BEN 10; 192 CABBAGE HEAD; 301 CABBAGE QUEEN; 60 CAMEL HUMPER; 58 DESERT SCORPION; 222 DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES; 322 EXTRA TESTICLE; 167 GANGREEN; 119 HONEY BEAR; 566 LADY FLIPPER; 209 LIBERACE; 60 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 334 LONE WOLF; 9 LOST CAUSE; 125 MARATHON MAN; 12 MASTER CHEF; 619 MRS. HEAD; 78 SCARLET; 154 SHEIK MEME; 12 SHIT ON MY SHIRT; 580 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 573 SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT; 586 SIR FREE WILLY; 594 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 294 STINKY SLOPPY SECONDS; 296 SWEETIE; 429 TADPOLE; 367 TAMPAX; 283 TREE FROG; 690| VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 193 WANK-KING’S WANKER
Returners – 8
2 Alan Ainsworth; 144 ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA; 175 BEVERLY HILLS PINK COCK; 40 COW FISTER; 382 FINI THE FAGGOT; 388 FOWL FUCKER; 142 JACKAL; 173 SEAL SUCKER
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 5
1 Wen Seecumpang – Unknown
4 HOT LIPS HOOLIHAN – Bangkok Hash, Thailand
7 WHOREDINI – Gold Coast Hash, Australia
18 CRAPPER – LA Union Hash, Philippines
14 I’M A FUCKING CUPCAKE – Pattaya Jungle Hash, Thailand
Virgins – 0
~ none this week ~
Leavers – 0
~ none this week ~
Anniversaries – 0
~ none this week ~
Hash Names – 0 Events
~ none this week ~
Sinners – 0 Events
~ but you know it’s just a matter of time ~
LADY FLIPPER – 28th August
B. B. – 24th August
LIBERACE – 31st August