Scribe Report by Robbing Bastard
This time of year is noted for three things, the Oktoberfest (worldwide), the Vegetarian Festival (Pattaya) and late rains (also Pattaya). These three events had an impact on the day’s run as I shall shortly relate. All brought out the best in us.
My good friend TRY-A-F**K who very recently reformed, renouncing desires of the flesh for mind improvement (explanation to follow), got me out of bed early this morning to both praise the quality of the beer he drank last night and urge that I should include a brief explanation of the Oktoberfest as he felt other hashers should share the opportunity to join him in his quest for knowledge.
The Oktoberfest is deeply rooted in Bavarian culture and started in 1810 to mark the marriage of the Crown Prince (later King Ludwig 1) and Princess Therese. The festival has a number of events but few would disagree that an important, nay essential ingredient is the special Oktoberfest beer which is consumed in vast quantities and brewed to strict standards and is available only for the festival. Since then the event has grown to be the biggest festival of its kind in the world and has been copied in many new venues, not least the Pattaya H3. For that we have to thank our hares SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT and BABY. It is really good they share their culture with us in such positive way.
Here I must add that like TRY-A F**K, SIR BOTTOMLESS, the Greatest Brew Master in the World, seemed to have been born again. I discovered a new side to the man who always looked as though he would personally slaughter anyone approaching within ten metres of his beer truck. Through my own incompetence I’d had a bad experience with some barbed wire (thanks E.T. for disimpaling me). Our intrepid Beer Master in one of his many other roles dropped what he was doing to administer first aid. A little later he brought me his special chair to sit on as I made my notes for this scribe. Yes fellow hashers I was allowed to sit in the chair of SIR BOTTOMLESS! On top of this he made sure I had sufficient light for my task. I think this must make me unique, the only person apart from SIR BP to sit in this chair. SWEETIE told me how fortunate I was but warns that others should not assume they can do likewise. The change of character is at best only likely to be an annual event associated with the festival.
I am not a man to bear grudges. I am sure many of you would be less generous than I towards him when you learn SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD was solely responsible for my hash name. I am sure many of you would understand if I took this opportunity to gently point out there must be many prettier nomenclatures he could have selected. But no. I cannot do this. Instead I urge you to be kind to this man who has suffered deeply because of the Pattaya Vegetarian Festival. Some time ago he confided in me that on his return from the UK he had told his wife that a daily diet of vegetables with a blow job would do much to restore his health and prolong his life. “Vegetables are very expensive Jimmy” had been the response of Mrs. Sadistic. Those of you that shop will know that the vegetarian festival is a sign for the price of greens to rise considerably. I understand that our venerable Scot is currently in danger of rickets from lack of vitamins and physical exhaustion from overcompensating for the vegetables that can no longer be afforded.
If this were not enough for the past five days Sir RSB has been tortured by the sight of his drinking buddy SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD drinking water instead of Chang. In an already weakened state this brave man forced himself to drink Chang when his mate could not. What a sacrifice! Our run today would end this terrible state of affairs. At last the two of them could set off on their customary search to find the nearest sale point for their special ale. There was much lost time to make up as once again SIR SPAG could fully partake in this joint enterprise. I am reliably informed that a significant number of other hashers followed them so they could say that they too were there to witness the event. I was asked by the pair of them to be this week’s scribe so that official duties did not intrude on the imbibing. How could I refuse?
In Munich they brought the date of the Oktoberfest forward to avoid less clement weather. SIR BP and BABY could not do this and throughout the day it threatened to rain heavily. Knowing that a hash in another place suffered a severe drop in numbers because of the weather our joint master WANK-KING’S WANKER feared the worse. The PH3 is made of sterner stuff! GI JOE and SQUEEZE MY TUBE with customary efficiency organised two baht busses to take us to the A Site in place of the missing bus. Too often we take their services for granted. We were assembled and set off on the run. Official duties left me following behind but some very clever checks at enabled me to not only catch up but briefly to be in the front two runners after a few checks. Well done hares that’s the way it should be.
I enjoy seeing the likes of CABBAGE HEAD and SEAL SUCKER and GI JOE struggling to catch me up. Unfortunately my moment of glory was short lived and I drifted towards the back, enjoying for a while the company of LADY GAGA, GREYHOUND and ET. A little stupidly ET and I decided to stay on paper instead of shortcutting on call. On reflection this was clearly a planned opportunity provided by the hares to keep the runners together. So we saw no more of the intelligent pair during the run.
Weather conditions occasionally made paper hard to find and I was in a group of runners who worked well and good naturedly together to limp in as darkness was falling. Many thanks to MENTAL DISORDER, ARSE-A-HOLIC, TRY-A-F**K, ET, STINKY SLOPPY SECONDS, and FREQUENT STREAKER, among others for your company it would not have been good to be alone so late in the day.
The good Bavarian ale was possibly the reason for an at times noisy circle.
We opened the evening with SIR SPAG, VV, TURD BURGLAR and STUPID KRAUT KUNT sitting on ice presumably for being disorderly. The hares were then iced while being praised for their excellent run, good A site and exceptionally good beer. They were even given credit for it no longer raining. I think the pair could have been credited for walking on water!
After the raffle which included winners WEE MOANING WEASEL, SUPERVIRGIN, (ordinary) virgin Colin, CHEAPER THAN MEME, BOW WOW and STEPTOE, EMPEROR AIRHEAD took charge. The hares were called in and praised to setting a good run in the most difficult conditions. My goodness the esteem in which our BREW MASTER is held was apparent. Our foremost RA requested “May I please have the hares” He wittily made us aware that to upset the Brew Master was akin to upsetting the ship’s cook “and everyone knows he will pee in the soup when upset.” BABY was not let off so lightly. Not only was he not immune from punishment but he was put in the bucket to make up for the kind treatment of his co-hare.
The Germans are experts on beer and our Brew Master an expert among experts was the verdict. After this the Emperor reverted to form. STUPID KRAUT KUNT was iced for being an unreliable witness and SUPERVIRGIN for being a leaver and a Norwegian. EXTRA TESTICLE was iced for having shorts that were in holes and for weaning himself off the drugs that were responsible for the colour changes in his hair. SIR FREE WILLY was iced in the hope that he might follow ET’s example and become normal over the next ten years but no one has high expectations of this.
WANK-KING’S WANKER very properly iced virgin Colin and his sponsor ¼ POUNDER WITH CHEESE for preferring a Newcastle Football Shirt to his new hash shirt.
In a similar desire to assert correct hash behaviour CABBAGE HEAD first iced GI JOE for spilling beer (beer abuse) and TAF for assisting him in this disgraceful behaviour. SEAL SUCKER was then iced for being a self-serving front runner who hangs back until the final spurt and who never calls On On. SEAL SUCKER vehemently denied this, but frequent calls from GI JOE that he should be put in the bucket told their own tale. Finally 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE was quite properly iced for not taking better care of his virgin. Many of us felt this was well deserved as Geordie Colin showed appropriate form by declaring to all and sundry how much he enjoyed the hash and that he will come back.
Unexpectedly discovering I had ice power I took the opportunity to ice TaF for deliberately telephoning me during a recent hash to get me put on ice and also Steptoe for singing too many long songs to me while I was sitting on ice. I regret neither showed much remorse until I suggested TaF gave up sex for the sake of the population explosion. If you refer back to the start of these notes you will see I have some reason to feel optimistic about this. However I had to choose the next scribe and as neither of these were suitable SEAL SUCKER, a much more deserving fellow was iced for his amusing one liners from the edge of the circle. I felt the scribe report would give him a deserved wider audience for his wit.
The awards were 250 runs for SWEETIE, a ten hares cap for MENSTRUAL DISORDER and a fifty run mug for partner MENTAL DISORDER. Well done all three. I give full praise to our gallant hares for singing the hare song, appropriately ‘Baby Light my Fire’ (“Give them a blow torch” volunteered our antipodean scribe for next week.) It’s good to see the hares actually singing a song in true hash spirit.
After the closing hymn at least sixteen hashers adjourned to the A Team On On bar where all seemed to enjoy continuing with the social occasion. My thanks to all of those for bringing a good end to a day so ably started by our hares. Incidentally the main topic of conversation the next morning was the excellent quality of the Oktoberfest ale. No Mean achievement.
On-on ! Robbing Bastard
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners this week = 58
42 Hashers who were Hashing the previous week
13 BABY; 431 BALL RINGER; 493 BOW WOW; 164 CABBAGE HEAD; 258 CABBAGE QUEEN; 170 CHEAP NORGY CUNT; 27 CHEAPER THAN MEME; 187 DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES; 1234 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 307 EXTRA TESTICLE; 36 FREQUENT STREAKER; 468 G.I. JOE; 124 GANGREEN; 522 LADY FLIPPER; 28 LADY GAGA; 164 LIBERACE; 23 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 46 MANX PEDOPHILE PUSSY FUCKER; 98 MARATHON MAN; 175 MISSING LINK; 573 MRS. HEAD; 252 PIG PUSHER SWINE STABBER; 15 PISSED AS A RAT; 138 ROBBING BASTARD; 545 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 529 SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT; 645 SIR DOG; 542 SIR FREE WILLY; 548 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 715 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 404 SNOOPY; 291 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 111 STEPTOE; 253 STINKY SLOPPY SECONDS; 28 SUPERVIRGIN; 250 SWEETIE; 90 TINY ANAL TORPEDO; 145 TRY-A-FUCK; 151 TURD BURGLAR; 649 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 147 WANK-KING’S WANKER; 83 WEE MOANING WEASEL
2 Apinya Kamsopa; 6 Roger Nyseth; 178 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE; 81 CABBAGE PRINCESS; 137 GREYHOUND;46 MENSTRUAL DISORDER; 53 MENTAL DISORDER; 156 SEAL SUCKER; 81 SLIPPERY ARSE; 178 STUPID KRAUT KUNT; 123 THAT’S THE ONE; 487 UNCLE PERVY; 89 TINY ANAL TORPEDO;
3 Visitors with their Total Runs
2 CRAPPER – LA Union Hash, Philippines
2 G SPOT – LA Union Hash, Philippines
1 SECRETS – Melbourne Hash, Australia
MENSTRUAL DISORDER – 10 Hared Runs Hat
SWEETIE – 250th Run
MENTAL DISORDER – 050th Run Mug