So a couple of weeks ago, Plato and I were in the Pook Bar for a few beers and Plato chasing a Katoey or two around the pool table started to get very philosophical about this and that which included the distinction between that reality which is perceptible, but not intelligible, and that which is intelligible, but imperceptible. And i’m thinking what the Heck does this have to do with my having to do a PH3 scribe report and make it intelligible to my fellow beer swilling, knuckle dragging fellow hashers. Well that old drunken git also went on to have something to say about our beloved Pattaya PH3 which was: Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge. And the old wanker was right…….
It was our ‘desire’ for more beer, the ’emotion’ felt when the first real runners returned to the ‘A’ Site, and Really Sadistic Bastard could have his second beer and the ‘knowledge’ that the ‘Worlds Greatest Brewmaster’ Sir Bottomless Pit would always supply us very thirsty hashers with more beer. It doesn’t take a genius (and which among us can claim to be???) to figure out that beer is the answer (and probably the cause) to most of our problems!!!!!!! But we don’t let that bother us as we blindly carry on to prove another great quote by the American philosopher George Carlin that: ‘Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups’. And this could be so true as we now must talk about this evenings PH3 Monday run and whatever I can remember from my notes and progressive mental deterioration.
First off, lets describe the run. Yes. there was one and people went off in the distance and then reappeared in a sweaty and disheveled state. I really have no idea exactly what went on out there but from all appearances of the returning ‘runners’ nothing really good happened. I’ve made a note to myself to not make the same mistake those other poor unfortunate fools made….In the future or any other time…..never leave sight of the ‘A’ Site or within hearing distance of ‘Emporer Airhead‘ as he ventures ‘to boldly go where no man has gone before’.
So there we were again back at our old friend the “Chinese Cemetary” on Phoenix Golf Club Road. As was noted by Emperor Airhead, almost every time we come to this running site, there is either rain or some kind of typhoon. The rain came today from the skies and the typhoon came from the “Hamersley Hash House Harriers”!!!!!…..but that’s another story. A quick couple of icings with Try A F**k and the terrific hares of the day: Mental Disorder, our loveable Hulk and the more loveable Suzy Wong. Once these sinners were antiseptically dealt with, we moved on to the weekly raffle where tensions ran high over who would win that exotic looking, genuine, synthetic plastic, dish rack. When the whiskey is long gone, we all know that Wankings Wanker is going to enjoy that dish rack for years to come. Lucky Bastard!! But today’s special run not only had one lucky draw but TWO!!!!!!!. The second one was to guess how many coins were in a Ruffles potatoe chip (if you can call them that?) container. This is where it starts to get a little fuzzy as I really don’t know who won or how many coins that was there. Doesn’t really matter as you and I didn’t win so on to the next chapter…………
Our beloved Emperor Airhead warmed the crowd up by icing all of the Australians who will be doing our annual ‘Australian Day’ PH3 run next Monday. We always have a great time on this yearly event (except for the fact all those Australians are there!!!). Always a pleasure to see Skippy & Piss Poorer share some ice time……if you knew them, you would know what I mean. And then out of no-where appeared a female version of Emporer Airhead only more menopausal. This unsympathetic, take no prisoners Harrierette who goes by the name of ‘No Nickers’ was relentless in her pursuit of filling the ice and bucket with unsuspecting, totally unaware victims. But I can only conclude that she wouldn’t have done it without just cause and whatever you did, it was probably wrong…… If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong? But the highlight of the evening and the moment everybody was waiting for was next. Last week, the Hamersley Hash House Harriers ‘officially’ made Arseholeo a ‘free agent’ and politely asked him never to return to Hamersley ever again which made him a ‘ward’ of our Monday PH3. After absolutely no hesitation on our part, we have ‘officialy sealed in beer’ nullified this transfer and have returned your lost son (Arseholeo: Party of the first Part) to you to do whatever you wish…..our first choice would be to “spay or neuter” him as quickly as possible. And to move on to some special notes: Tadpole received her 400 run shirt Beverly Hills Pink Cock received his 5 hared run cap Psychodelic magically is to receive his 50 run mug
Next on our evenings menu was long time favourite Lord Chicken F**ker who upon entering the circle asked a comely young lady if he could photograph her in the nude…..what nobody really knew was it would be Lord Chicken F**ker who would be in the nude. But it wasn’t the first or probably the last time a lady said ‘no’ to our LCF and he quickly recovered his senses (couldn’t think of another word to use) called all the Grand Masters who were present to have a down-down……they came from the four corners of Pattaya and one from Yorkshire which means there were 5 of them.
Next were all the Yorkshire hat wearers in LCF’s sights who were quickly followed by a couple of “The futures so bright I gotta wear shades” visitors. Our LCF wasn’t sure if these sunglass wearing dudes were ‘private investigators’ or ‘private dicks’ as they are sometimes called. We didn’t know and we didn’t care as they were quickly cooled off in the bucket which gave all of us a strange satisfaction that is only known on the PH3 when somebody else is cooling their ‘heels’ (again couldn’t think of a better word) in the plastic swimming pool.
Last but not least, was our new edition of ‘bad dad’ going by the name of Anal Grapefruit (which I do believe is another name for hemorrhoids) who was willing to sacrifice his little daughters so that he wouldn’t have to sit on the ice. He kept telling everybody within hearing distance that both of the youngest are wanting to sit on the ice if asked……………..Of course these cute munchkins didn’t want any part of the ice and started to cry and probably suffered irreparable damage due to their fathers inability to overcome his fear of sitting on blocks of ice in public. It’s about this time I would be starting to think of how I can close this sucker for another week. In keeping with our spooky, dark cloud covered, semi-rainy day the evenings hash wasn’t destined to finish. Some kind of transmission ghost from the graveyard entered our beloved Hash bus and rendered it inoperable. Despite several people staring down at the the busted part, it refused to heal itself and several Baht buses were called to rescue us as the cold beer was starting to run out and all that was left was Chang Beer.
The Hamersley Hash came to the rescue and had an impromptu sing-a-long with some old Hash classics while waiting for the buses to arrive. As most of us have short attention spans, we then headed outside and held a mini-circle and anything else that involved the drinking of beer. Talk about your making lemonade out of lemons, the evening ended with everybody who was still around having a terrific time. Thank you Hamersley Hash and all my fellow hashers!!!!!! the baht buses finally arrived and we all headed back to our little bit of paradise called Pattaya. Looking forward to seeing you all for next weeks annual Australian Day run……. On On Gangreen Scribilicious
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners this week = 76
51 Hashers who were Hashing the previous week
2 Wan Dachsanther; 246 ANAL BREADFRUIT; 267 ARSE-HOLEO; 19 BABY OF BEAUTY; 27 BEAUTY’S BABY; 481 BOW WOW; 152 CABBAGE FLAPS; 160 CABBAGE HEAD; 149 CABBAGE KNIEVEL; 79 CABBAGE PRINCESS; 254 CABBAGE QUEEN; 30 CAMEL HUMPER; 199 CRACK MY COCCYX; 91 CRAZY PUSSY; 28 DESERT SCORPION; 1227 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 456 G.I. JOE; 112 GANGREEN; 81 HONEY BEAR; 124 HORSE; 55 HULK; 282 KARAMBA; 4 KISS ME DOWN UNDER; 152 LIBERACE; 12 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 291 LONE WOLF; 42 MENTAL DISORDER; 518 MIDNIGHT STAR; 19 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 224 PELER; 57 PSYCHODELIC; 10 SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE; 66 SCARLET; 193 SEAGULL SHIT; 7 SHORT TIME; 640 SIR ARSE HOPPER; 533 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 519 SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT; 633 SIR DOG; 540 SIR MC; 536 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 315 SMILING BROWN SPIDER; 392 SNOOPY; 281 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 239 SWEETIE; 411 TADPOLE; 350 TAMPAX; 136 TRY-A-FUCK; 35 VASELINE THIGHS; 638 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 135 WANK-KING’S WANKER
6 Tanya Cooke; 419 BALL RINGER; 151 BEVERLY HILLS PINK COCK; 159 BILLION SUCKER; 25 CAPTAIN KANGAROO; 199 DOG LICKS ITS DICK; 29 FREQUENT STREAKER; 1051 LORD CHICKEN FUCKER; 78 MINELESS CUNT; 13 NO KNICKERS; 50 PISS POORER; 65 RABBIT SHOOTER; 142 RUBBER DICK; 76 SLEEPING BEAUTY; 24 SUZY WONG
10 Visitors with their Total Runs and their Mother Hash
1 FAT BABY’S BALL — Agana H3, Guam
1 RED EYED COCK — Agana H3, Guam
3 FLUFFER — Bangkok Hash, Thailand
1 NEUTRON PISS — Chardonnay Hash, Australia
1 GAS MAN — Chiang Mai Hash, Thailand
1 HALF WAY — Hamersley Hash, Australia
1 RED DEVIL — Hamersley Hash, Australia
1 STIR — Hamersley Hash, Australia
2 BOG HOPPER — Scarborough Hash, England
2 GIVE ‘ER ONE — Scarborough Hash, England
BEVERLY HILLS PINK COCK — Hared 05 Hat
TADPOLE 400th — Run T-Shirt
TAMPAX — 350th Run
PISS POORER — 050th Run
PSYCHODELIC — 050th Run